Shame is Our Love
by Samurai don't need angels
Summary: Kanda has been captured by the enemy, raped and left a broken man. When Allen comes along, will he accept the beansprouts love? Or will he reject it? Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena. Warning: Not for the faint of heart. Contains sex and Yaoi. Do not read if you do not like it.
1. Chapter 1

Alright...so I decided, that because I am a twisted pervert, I want to try my hand at is. My first published lemon, so give me feedback if you want to. No flames. Only contructiveness.

Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, OOCness

Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena

Disclaimer: Why the hell would I be writing this shit if I owned DGM?

Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.

Once read, cannot be unread.

* * *

He just couldn't fight anymore. Not when his every kick just went through the other's body.

The bastard had taken off his coat…his shirt too. Now he was on top of him, gently placing kisses on his collar bone, down to his navel. He shuddered feeling something wet slid across his stomach. His whole body felt flushed and he was a little sick to his stomach that this was happening. He…he didn't want this. But he couldn't say that, not with the gag effectively silencing him. He couldn't even move with his arms bound to the headboard. His only consolation was the fact that the fabric in his mouth silenced any moan that dared to escape his throat.

At least he could keep that part of his pride intact.

The black haired teen squeezed his eyes shut further, feeling his pants and boxers being gently slid down his thighs, only to be discarded onto the floor. If he could just pretend it wasn't happening…if he didn't watch, then maybe it wouldn't happen.

He didn't want to feel his breath pick up in anticipation, or the cool air upon his length. He bit down on the gag, feeling nimble fingers sliding down his hardening cock, stroking him. This shouldn't be happening. He was supposed to have absolute control of his body. Why was it betraying him like this?

Kanda jerked his head to the side when he felt another gray hand slowly make its way up to his pony-tail, before pulling out the hair tie. He shivered, feeling the strands of black falling down to his shoulders, sticking to his sweaty skin.

"Ne," Tyki smirked, "Your body is very…stimulating, Kanda-kun," He whispered, squeezing Kanda's manhood. The samurai bit down on the gag, eyes opening wide. Damn it…why did it have to feel so good? He squirmed underneath Tyki, struggling to get away, but there was nothing they could do. Not with gray skinned man pinning him down to the bed. The gold eyes smoldered above him as the hand continued to stroke his erection. "Hmm, you know, I could make this much more…pleasurable for the both of us," Tyki said, pulling the gag away from Kanda. He started to place his lips next to the black haired teen's, but stopped when the head turned away from him.

"Fuck you," Kanda would not give up what remained of his pride to let the Noah kiss him. He shuddered feeling warm lips latch onto his neck. Kanda closed his eyes again, trying to focus on how many breaths he was taking; trying to ignore the hand on his manhood, the teeth grazing the skin on his neck, the warmth of the other man's body on his.

Kanda wished he was dead, rather than to have to feel this shame.

He felt relieved when the Noah pulled away from him. Maybe he had decided to stop.

Kanda's hope was short lived, when he felt Tyki grab his legs, slowly spreading him apart. He shook his head in denial. This wasn't happening. This wasn't fucking happening. This was some hellish drea-

He gasped, feeling a single finger slip inside his entrance. He squirmed. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. Not yet at least. He bit his lip, feeling the digit squirm around inside of him. He bit his lip, trying hard not make any more noises. His pride couldn't take another bit of shame.

"Relax, Kanda-kun," He Tyki whispered to the raven haired man. "It will only hurt if you don't." He sneered at Kanda, roughly pushing in the second digit.

The iron taste of blood filled his mouth when Tyki pushed the second finger in and he had to blink away tears of absolute shame. It hurt and Kanda knew he should relax as Tyki said. But he couldn't. Not when he was being fucking raped. This wasn't supposed to happen. This sort of thing only happened to weak people. He was Kanda Yu, he wasn't supposed to be weak. Why him, goddamn it?

He exhaled shakily as the fingers withdrawn. He didn't want this. He didn't want Tyki to touch him anymore. He winced, feeling a heat ghost over his entrance. He wanted to plead and beg for Tyki to stop.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't admit he was hopelessly at the other man's mercy. He couldn't do that. "Fuck you," He hissed at Tyki once more.

Tyki smirked, smoothing Kanda's hair back from his face. "Such a pretty face," He crooned softly, before he roughly thrust into the Japanese male, fully sheathing himself.

Kanda choked at the sudden and violent intrusion. He thrashed beneath Tyki, tears threatening to spill over his eyes. He pulled at the ropes. It hurt damn it. More than the fingers had, definitely. More than a lot of things he'd felt.

But it was more than painful. It was…shameful, to be so weak.

Tyki smirked at Kanda, placing a hand on the teen's face as he gradually calmed down. He was kind enough to let the younger teen beneath him adjust to his size. "Relax, Kanda-kun," He snickered. "You might enjoy this if you do." He added. Kanda shook his head back in forth. He didn't want to enjoy this.

Tyki sighed. One could only lead a horse to water, he supposed. He started to move, starting off at a rough pace, occasionally forcing out a pained scream from the samurai beneath him. Kanda flushed feeling something wet sliding down his face as Tyki continued to pound into him mercilessly. He recognized them as tears and felt even more ashamed of himself.

His nails dug into his palms as he clenched his fists, drawing bright crescents of red.

He continued to squirm beneath the Portuguese man. Sudden he went limp, letting the tears run down his face. What was the point? Tyki was just going to keep going after all. He just wished it didn't' have to hurt so damn much.

Kanda's eyes suddenly opened wide and his back arched in pleasure as Tyki hit something. He whimpered, his hips bucking forward in an attempt to feel more of the delicious feeling.

Tyki grunted, smirking down Kanda. Seeing the other man writhing in pleasure was rather…erotic.

Tyki's thrusts slowly became more erratic as he neared his end. He moaned, using one hand to steady himself before bringing his other hand to Kanda's manhood. He stroked slowly Kanda, a smirk gracing his face when the younger man moaned in pleasure.

He gave the length a hard squeeze as he gave one last thrust inside Kanda before he cummed into the younger man's ass. Kanda let out his own whimper as he came felt his cock twitch, semen coating both of their chests.

The two of them both lay there panting for a moment, before Kanda pulled out, smirking. "We'll be doing this again, Kanda-kun," He promised as he started to pull on his pants. He looked at Kanda and chuckled. "Not bad for your first time."

"Fuck you," Kanda rasped, feeling humiliated.

"I certainly did," Tyki chuckled as he left the room, leaving the shamed samurai to his own thoughts.

* * *

"What do you mean Komui-san?" Lenalee asked her brother in horror. This wasn't true. How could a member of her family be dead?

Lavi was silent, staring down at the ground. His friend…was dead? Sure, the man could be an ass, but he didn't deserve to die.

Komui slowly adjusted his glasses, looking at the three exorcists in the room. He had thought it best to inform Kanda's friends first – before he informed Tiedoll and Marie. He knew that the three had all been close to Kanda…

…well, as close as one could get to the man.

"I mean," He said, looking at Lenalee, "One of the Noah captured him on his last mission. The likelihood he is alive is extremely unlikely…." He explained to his sister, tenderly.

It was Allen who spoke next, "But you didn't find a body?" He checked.

Komui shook his head, "Yes, but the likelihood –"

"But there is still a chance!" Allen pressed.

Komui nodded reluctantly. He didn't want to give anybody false hope, "Yes, there is an extremely _slim,"_ He tried to enforce the idea, "Chance."

Allen looked at him with determination.

A chance was all he needed.

* * *

Review. I may update if you do.


	2. Chapter 2

I would like to thank the three of you who reviewed. I dedicate this chapter to you.

All of you who faved this or Alerted this, you have my thanks as well.

Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, possible OOCness, minor spoilers.

Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena

Disclaimer: There would be pictures to go with this if I were a Manga artist. So no.

Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.

Once read, cannot be unread.

Could use some input on this chapter. Spent a long time on it. See? It's 2AM.

* * *

Kanda hated Tyki.

He hated the golden eyes that examined every inch of his body; his hair, his eyes, his chest, the tattoo, thighs and…lower. He wanted to rip off the hands that gripped his hips so tightly the nails cut into his skin, leaving bloody crescents moons that only healed moments later. He hated that Tyki could make him scream in both pleasure and pain. He couldn't stand the fact that the older man could make him cry.

Most of all, he hated that he was helpless beneath Tyki, that the Noah could make him so absolutely and completely vulnerable.

He wanted to die.

"Do…y…you l-like that K-Kanda-kun?" The grey skinned man's breath was hot on the Japanese man's ear, as he gave another rough thrust into the teen. Kanda gave a half moan half sob of shame in answer. Every sound was against his will and it broke his pride just a little further. He looked at Tyki, blue meeting gold. That gaze told Kanda Tyki wasn't moving until he admitted it felt good. Wasn't it enough that Tyki got to fuck him senseless? Now he had to answer the bastard too?

The raven haired teen shut his eyes tightly. He couldn't look at those sinful eyes one more moment. He hated this. Being at the bastard's mercy was unbearable.

"I c-can't hear you Kanda-kun," Tyki whispered, refusing to move. His own voice was weak with pleasure.

Kanda took a deep breath. He couldn't stand to feel Tyki inside of him one more moment. Maybe if he just nodded, Tyki would finish fucking him and leave him to wallow in his own shame. "Y-Yes," He whispered, feeling himself die inside.

Tyki smirked. "Sho-should I m-move?" Kanda could feel Tyki's eyes boring into him. That bastard. That fucking bastard just loved making Kanda kiss his ass.

Kanda shook his violently. He wouldn't bend any further. He couldn't – it would kill him. Tyki sighed, combing his hands through Kanda's hair. "Why make this so difficult, love?" He murmured, twirling a strand of black.

This only further enforced Kanda's desire to rip Tyki's hands off, before having Jerry boil them into stew and using it as weed killer.

Kanda – no matter what situation he was in – did not like people touching his hair.

"I'll only have to punish you for resisting me, Kanda-kun," He said, suddenly and roughly thrusting out of Kanda, dragging out a scream from the younger man. He didn't bother to try and hit Kanda's prostate this time, this time aiming to make Kanda scream.

More tears pricked at the corner of Kanda's eyes and grit his teeth to keep in the screams, letting Tyki abuse him. He would not ask the bastard to stop. He would not plead like some weakling.

He wasn't weak damn it.

The Japanese man repeated that over and over, even when Tyki came inside him again. It hurt; not only his ass, but it destroyed what little self-respect he had left. He opened his eyes seeing feeling the Noah get off of him.

A cool hand brushed against his cheek. "Good boy, Kanda-kun," He whispered to the younger. He released Kanda's face and untied Kanda from the headboard. "There's your reward Kanda-kun," Tyki snickered, "Don't try anything rash Kanda-kun…." Tyki called behind him. "Or I'll have to punish you," He added lightly and with that, he shut the door. There was a defined _clicking _sound.

Kanda waited for a full minute to make sure Tyki was gone before he stood up shakily, knees buckling.

His whole body hurt.

All he wanted to do was to go back home, to the Order.

Take a shower; to _never_ have to think about this again.

Suddenly, Kanda's stomach lurched and the samurai fell to all fours as he retched. Not that there was anything to throw up. He'd been there for two and a half days and the bastard hadn't bothered to feed him.

Kanda's shoulders heaved violently as he vomited again. He hated himself for it. He hated that his body actually felt the need to purge itself. He hated himself for being so _fucking weak. _He wasn't supposed to be weak.

It was people like that bastard moyashi that were weak.

But then again, people like that bastard moyashi probably wouldn't be able to take this sort of abuse. Not to mention, the bastard moyashi didn't look as…feminine as Kanda did; though he'd _kill _anybody who even hinted at it.

Kanda shuddered once more, retching a third and final time. He wiped the bile away from his mouth, shuddering.

He wanted to lie down. But he couldn't bring himself to lay back down on that bed. He'd rather drown in his own vomit then do that. He struggled to stand, but couldn't quite manage it. Instead, he was forced to drag himself to a corner of the room, where he made himself comfortable, curled in the corner.

He was cold, but he would not take the blanket on the bed.

He would not break.

He was strong damn it!

But the Japanese man was also tired. He wouldn't admit it, but he was also scared to go to sleep. If he went to sleep, there was no telling when the Portuguese man would come back and rape him again.

He sighed. Whatever happened, it was going to happen. He supposed he'd rather face it rested. He closed his eyes and tried to think of more pleasant thing, things he enjoyed – few though they were. Gardens…he enjoyed those…soba too…Alma.

He pushed that one away. It was still too painful to think about; especially in his current situation.

He enjoyed his arguments with the Moyashi of course.

The silver haired, cursed boy. He'd hated Allen since the moment they'd met. Hated the naïve expression, his extreme courtesy, his desire to _save, _and the way he always smiled, even though he'd been through hell, same as all the other Exorcists.

It infuriated Kanda. It reminded if of Alma.

But Allen had a dark side too; always calling him, BaKanda.

The black haired man made a mental note to kick the beansprouts ass when he saw him next.

* * *

Allen met with Lenalee and Lavi in the library.

They were all very quiet about it. Everybody had been watching them since Kanda's abduction/death, for one reason or another.

Komui had been watching Lenalee, making sure she didn't fall into a pit of depression. He didn't want her to do anything reckless. He couldn't bear the thought of his baby sister hurting herself.

Bookman watched Lavi like a hawk. After all, the Bookman successor couldn't be getting too attached to anybody – even if that anybody was supposedly as good as dead. He was ready to pull Lavi out at the first sign of attachment to anybody lately.

Jerry had been watching Allen like crazy; making sure the boy's appetite didn't change do to this unfortunate occurrence.

They wasted no time in getting down to business.

"What are we going to do?" Lavi asked, looking at the British boy and Chinese woman determinedly. There was no way he was just going to wait until Kanda's body turned up – if ever. The man did at least deserve a proper send off into the afterlife if he was dead. And if he was alive – well, they couldn't very well just leave him at the hands Noah!

Lenalee shook her head. "I don't know. Nii-san won't give us any information on where Kanda was…." Probably to prevent something stupid from happening.

Allen intervened, "He was in Russia," He stated. He only knew that because he and Kanda ad split up on the mission before; Allen to return the innocence, Kanda to collect more. "I think he said Moscow."

Lavi nodded. It sounded like as good a place as any to look for clues. He looked at the two of them, "When should we leave?" He asked them.

Lenalee shook her head. "No, they're all expecting us to do something now," She stated. Allen hated to wait – every minute they spent waiting was another minute they spent letting Kanda edge closer to death.

Lavi conceded the point. "Maybe we could get Komui to give one of us a mission?" He suggested.

Lenalee nodded. "Alright – and then the other two could take a day off to go into town," She agreed.

"Tomorrow?" Allen checked.

The other two nodded. "Tomorrow…." They agreed.

The three didn't stop talking until much later. They needed to work out the finger points of there plan.

But it was a plan.

To Allen and Lenalee, he would come back alive, maybe a little beaten up, but alive. They held firmly onto that hope.

Lavi on the other hand, held no such elusions. He was well aware they might be bringing back a body.

But he was going to make sure that the rest of the Order didn't have to grief for two more exorcists as well.

* * *

Review. Let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

I would like to thank those of you who reviewed. I dedicate this chapter to you.

I'm not terribly proud of this, but it's not total shit...or maybe it is. I dunno, you tell me.

Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, possible OOCness, minor spoilers.

Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena

Disclaimer: There would be pictures to go with this if I were a Manga artist. So no.

Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.

Couple of things – I hate fanfic's new layout. I have no excuse for the late update. The only real reason you are getting an update, is because I had the bright idea to watch a rather…disturbing movie at eleven thirty at night….so…yeah. I hope you will accept my apology and promise of a second new chapter tomorrow?

* * *

"Suck," Tyki said, gripping the black hair as he pushed Kanda's face closer to his own manhood. The other man had twisted his head away, face scrunched in disgust. There was no way; no way in hell he was doing _that _for the bastard. Maybe, maybe he could deal with Tyki using him as a sex toy, because he didn't have to do anything – he couldn't do anything, when Tyki was forcing him. At least, that's what Kanda told himself, when he stopped fighting the man. But this…this was too damn much. Tyki however seemed to have another idea. He pressed his erection closer to Kanda's face. "Come on Kanda-kun," Tyki urged the Japanese man. "The sooner you suck me off, the sooner I'll leave you alone," He promised.

Had Kanda actually believed Tyki might leave him alone for more than a few hours, he might have done so. However, since the Portuguese tended to reappear after three or four hours to rape him again, he wasn't willing to just…do it.

Tears pricked at his eyes as his scalp screamed in displeasure. Damn, that Noah needed to learn not to touch his hair. "I said," Tyki growled at Kanda, "Suck," He jerked Kanda's head so hard the Japanese man cried out in spite of himself. The Noah took the moment to slip his length inside Kanda's mouth. "You bite," He growled, jerking Kanda's head again, "I promise, you'll regret it," He said, shoving Kanda's head further down his manhood.

Kanda squirmed, pushing his head back against Tyki's firm hand. How the hell had he even gotten into this mess? Kanda choked, gagging as Tyki's length hit the back of his throat. How the hell could he have been so stupid to let this Happen?

_It was too damn dark, for Kanda's taste. He sighed furiously, "Damn it," he growled, glancing behind him, trying in vain to see the Finder. There was nothing they could do in the dark. He hated to delay. Normally it wouldn't matter if it was dry, snowing, sunny or raining. Hell, it could probably rain fire and Kanda would still hunt. _

_But the dark?_

_You couldn't find anything you couldn't see or hear. No matter how much Kanda tried to do so. He'd tried a lot too. Over two hours._

_Where the hell was the Finder? He growled. He'd look – or rather stumble around – for the Finder for another ten minutes. Then…well, the Finder better hope he could find his own way back to the hotel. _

_Kanda resisted the urge to shutter as a cold breeze swept by. It was way too cold for this shit. Damn it, Komui had better send him someplace that was a decent temperature next time. He growled, turning his head, even though it was useless. "Damn it…." He growled furiously._

_Kanda's brow furrowed suddenly. The hair on the back of his neck was standing up on end. He gripped Mugen's hilt, eyes narrowed. There must have been an Akuma around. His body didn't lie to him._

_Good, he could use a work out. "Show yourself," He growled into the darkness._

_He just wished that it wasn't so damn dark; it wasn't that he couldn't fight in the dark. He'd trained himself well enough that he could fight in any condition. But that didn't mean he didn't prefer fighting in the light. You never knew when you might accidently step in some dog shit._

_There was a chuckle from behind him and Kanda whipped around, Mugen pointed at the source. That wasn't an Akuma's laugh. That meant it had to be a –_

_"Hello Kanda-kun," Tyki growled from behind him._

_ Kanda spun on his heel, Mugen whipping around to hac-_

_-Kanda let out a strangled sound as his wrist was grasped mid turn, forced onto his knees. He could hear mugen clatter to the ground "Damn it!" He swore, struggling to free himself from the older man's grip, without breaking his arm. _

_Tyki snorted and pushed Kanda to the ground. "Amazing what the advantage of surprise can do for a person," He mused, as Kanda snarled when his face was pushed into the dirt. Usually a fight against the exorcist would be much harder. He smirked at the younger male, trying to squirm his way free. "Hmmm, would you like to be my hostage?" He breathed into Kanda's ear._

_"Fuck you," Kanda spat._

_Tyki smirked, hand reaching to stroke the Japanese's hair, "My, my, what a mouth…." He fingered Kanda's jaw, before pressing down on a nerve that caused Kanda to go limp. "You ought to be careful what you wish for," He breathed._

Tyki tossed Kanda, gagging and spitting out cum, to the ground. The younger man wasn't swearing for once. Tyki snorted – maybe he was starting to break the Japanese man. "Hm…I'll let you have some time to yourself….." He shook his head slowly. How funny that even one of the Order's strongest exorcists, could break so easily. The Portuguese started to laugh as he began to exit the room, leaving Kanda still on the floor.

Once again, the door clicked shut, leaving Kanda alone in the room, spitting out the taste of the other man.

He hated this.

He hated that he'd become so weak.

He hated that he was letting the other man use him.

He hated that he just kept wishing, that maybe – just maybe – somebody would come and rescue him. That damn moyashi…he was always talking about saving people. Kanda might have pretended to hate that about the white haired man, but he always sort of…maybe not admired, but respected the younger, for sticking to his values.

Kanda lay on the ground, for several more minutes, still gasping and gagging. His shoulders hunched, as his stomach demanded he relinquish what was left in his body. Once his stomach settled he turned himself onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with a dull look in his eyes.

His body hurt, just as much as the first time. It didn't help that when he woke up, the torn muscles were already healed. God, he was so tired of Tyki fucking him so hard that he couldn't walk, humiliating him by forcing him to give him blowjobs.

It felt like the Noah was trying to kill him with this sort of disgrace.

He wasn't sure he could deal with much more of this.

Kanda wouldn't deal with much more of this.

"Where are you going," The Frenchman asked sketchbook and pencil in hand. He'd just been on his way out to sketch the town below. The man had only just returned from a rather long mission, to return several pieces of innocence, only to hear of yet another 'son's' death. Daisya's death had been hard on him, it was true, but Kanda's death wasn't much better. He'd agreed to take a week off, in order to allow him some time to himself.

Even the Generals.

"Er," Allen hesitated, not having expected to encounter the General.

He really wasn't supposed to be going anywhere. Komui was a little…paranoid that Allen, Lavi and Lenalee might do something stupid.

In all fairness, his paranoia was not without its grounds. Allen was attempting to sneak out, find a train to Moscow, before tracking down Kanda.

Lenalee and Lavi were still plotting.

"Um…I'm…going into town?"

Tiedoll looked down his nose, through the thick glasses at Allen. There was a knowing look in his eyes. "I see," He said simply. "I don't suppose, you'd enjoy the company of an old man would you?" He asked.

Allen stiffened, before the older General placed a hand on Allen's shoulder. "You will be careful, won't you?" He asked.

The British boy stared, before he nodded. "Alright…please...do what you can…but leave if you think you'll end up like Yu…." Tiedoll said.

Allen nodded.


	4. Chapter 4

**Relatively long chapter. For me anyway.**

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: ...I say again, why would I be writing this crap if I was a somebody?**

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**A few notes - I don't know when the phrase 'homosexual,' came about, some I'm going to use that. I'd also like to thank the...two of you who reviewed. Pathless and the nice guy/girl who left me the review, I thank you very much. I shall attempt to get the next chapter out sometime tomorrow.**

**And I bid you all, a good night.**

* * *

Allen sat on the train, eyes heavy with the desire to sleep. But he couldn't sleep, not when he was so close. He had so many things depending on him at the moment. He had to rescue Kanda; he had to make sure the Japanese was alive.

The white haired man wasn't really sure what he would tell people, if he only recovered a body. He didn't know what he would tell Lenalee. She would probably cy, knowing her and how dear all of her family was to her.

Allen didn't want to be the one to hurt her like that… He would only do that if he was certain the older Japanese man was dead, only if he saw the body with his own eyes.

Not that he believed that he would find Kanda dead. No, he just knew that he'd find Kanda, hacking up a bunch of Akuma. He could imagine the look on Kanda's face, when Allen showed up to drag him back to the Order. _"Che, Moyashi,"_ Allen mimicked Kanda's voice to himself. Yeah, maybe it was a bad impression, but he had no doubt that would be the greeting he got.

Allen exhaled - he was already imaging that Kanda would be an ass when he found him.

Well, in all fairness, pretty likely. Kanda was by definition, an ass. Who only ate soba and refused to even consider the idea of eating anything else.

So, to sum Kanda up, he was a narrow minded ass.

Allen chuckled at his definition of Kanda. He knew that there was a little more to Kanda then that. He admired that the older man, for his sense of pride and his strength. He also was aware of the fact that, though Kanda claimed that he would do nothing to help others, even if it meant their death; he had saved Allen's life, on that first mission.

Kanda would kill Allen if he even ever voiced his opinion, but he was under the impression that under the Japanese's hard exterior, there was a soft spot. Granted, it was deep, deep underneath the gruff, sullen, bitchy surface. But Allen was positive, positive that it was there.

Not that half the Finders in the Order wouldn't disagree with him.

Really though, it was just a matter of not agitating Kanda; which was rather hard for Allen as that would require him to go completely against everything he believed in. He wanted to help people, to save people. Kanda didn't believe they could save. Kanda…was Allen's opposite.

The white haired man respected that; even though it did piss him off to no extent. Allen sighed, closing his eyes.

He knew, deep down, when he found Kanda, the man he knew might not be the same.

That thought scared Allen a little, that someone so tough, could die so easily. He was forced to remind himself, that the job he did, the live he lived, was a very, very dangerous one.

He sighed softly - he could only hope…he could only pray that Kanda would be alright.

* * *

"What do you mean he's gone?" Komui spluttered, looking extremely confused and slightly frustrated. "I thought I told everybody to keep an eye on them!" He yelled.

Tiedoll shrugged, "It appears he's gone after my son," he said mildly. He sure as hell wasn't going to complain, especially since Allen was going to rescue his beloved 'son.'

Tiedoll wasn't stupid. Allen Walker was a special boy. Yu wasn't likely to be dead either. He would have been a fool not to notice that Kanda healed so much better than most people. That gave him hope. Hope that, if nothing else, his son would be alive. He was proud too, hopefully proud enough that he wouldn't break under whatever torture he was doing through.

Komui yelled picking up the phone, attempting to call someone who was a bit more rational, willing to go and get Allen before anything too stupid.

That was when Reever flung open the door. "Chief we've got a problem!" He yelled.

Komui could feel a knot tightening in his stomach. "Lenalee and Lavi have gone after Allen!"

Well, hell, the day just kept getting better and better.

* * *

Tyki sighed as Kanda stayed firmly against the corner of the room. He'd been kicked, punched and even bitten, with each attempt to drag Kanda back to the bed.

Kanda would not tolerate one more fucking touch, he did not ask for. He wasn't sure could make himself endure it. It was painful, so damn painful and it was humiliating, to be forced under the other man like that.

Tyki sighed once more, crouching down to eye level with Kanda, even though the younger male refused to look him in the eye. Kanda couldn't bear to make himself look into the eyes of the man who raped him. Couldn't force himself to look into those, smoldering gold eyes, that looked at him with lust. It disgusted him, embarrassed him, knowing that those eyes had seen every inch of his body. The Noah smirked, knowing his pet was embarrassed. "Hmm…are you ashamed Kanda-kun?" Tyki snickered, To be with another man?" He asked, reaching a hand to trace Kanda's jaw, only to have it smacked away violently by the younger. He backhanded Kanda in answer. "Well?" He murmured.

Kanda let out his customary 'che.' He didn't give a shit if Tyki was a man or a woman; it was more the fact that he was being raped that bothered him.

He knew that he probably should be ashamed, as they church did not look kindly upon homosexuals. But he didn't really give a shit about the Order and gender wasn't one of the things he looked for in a partner.

Well, not that he'd been looking per say.

Tyki gripped Kanda's chin, growling. "I have to say, Kanda-kun, you're a very vexing man," He said. Kanda stilled, leaning away, but doing nothing. Who know that the crazy, sex crazed Noah would do to him if he hit him a second time.

Then again, did he care?

It was probably the only time Kanda had ever asked himself if he'd cared what another person thought of him.

"Do you want to know why, Kanda-kun?" Tyki asked him. Kanda stayed still, "Because you don't moan when I tell you too," He pushed Kanda up against the wall, drawing out a hiss, "You don't scream when you're supposed too," Tyki hissed. Yes the Japanese man screamed, but not when Tyki wanted, not after so much work, "You don't even beg," Kanda struggled until Tyki slammed his head back into the wall.

Of course Kanda didn't beg. He was Kanda fucking Yu. He didn't beg for anybody. No matter how much, he wanted to beg for some sort of mercy, whether it be dead, unconsciousness – hell, preparation might be nice.

But no, he wouldn't beg. Maybe he was a sex toy for the other man now, but he couldn't help but think, that maybe, maybe if he refused to beg, he could just keep that one part of him safe.

Tyki had already taken away so much from him. He'd taken away his virginity – as much as he was loathed to admit it, even to himself – he'd forced him to cry. He'd completely destroyed Kanda's pride and respect for himself. There wasn't much more he could do.

"Hmm….I suppose you must have been a handful at the Order too," Tyki breathed. "To think, all of those people and not one of them would come to rescue you…"  
"Shut up…" Kanda said, staring up at the ceiling. Of course nobody was coming for him. He went to great length to make sure nobody wanted to be near him. He wasn't worth the effort; especially not now.

But that didn't mean he hadn't harbored some hope, that the Moyashi would come and get him. After all, he was so hell bent on saving everybody, or maybe the baka usagi, since he seemed to think of Kanda as a friend. Maybe he'd been hoping Lenalee would come to rescue one of her family members. Well, maybe not Lenalee – he didn't need to be saved by a woman.

Or perhaps, he'd been hoping his self-proclaimed father would show up and make a huge fuss.

But that wasn't going to happen. They probably all thought he was dead.

Tyki smirked seeing he'd hit a nerve, "Ah, you were hoping somebody would come and save you," He snickered, slapping Kanda once more, much to the Japanese's annoyance. "They aren't coming Kanda-kun…You're mine now," The Portuguese promised Kanda. "And I will keep you," He stood up and straightened his shirt.

"I'll give you a half hour to prepare yourself…but then, I won't be so nice," Tyki warned Kanda.

And he wouldn't either. It was time to show Kanda some new tricks.

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**Little reminder to bother to leave a review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, gore in later chapters.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D gray man, or any of those sexy, sexy characters, including, but not limited to: Kanda Yu, Allen Walker, Lavi, Tyki, Lenalee and...yeah, there be a lot of them. **

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**So many reviews! Thank you guys, you all get a gold star. If you guys are nice and review a lot more...Maybe I might let Allen come rescue Kanda? *Shrugs* We'll see.**

**Anyway, I'm not getting review alerts quite as much as I should be, but I'll check back to see what you all say.**

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"N-No," Kanda's voice wavered slightly as he was pressed against the wall. He kept his back firmly against the cold stone, grimacing when Tyki tried to touch him. He flinched away at the cold gray hands. He couldn't do it again. He was supposed to be stronger than this. "B-bastard," Kanda reached up his hand to push Tyki away, wanting the man off of him, but was immediately restrained arms pulled above his head. "N-no," He repeated, voice shaking. He felt so fucking worthless. He couldn't kick the man because his foot just went through whatever he tried to kick. God, he was tired of this, tired of being fucking degraded and hurt like this. Why wouldn't the Noah just fucking kill him? "Bastard, let go," He snarled struggling, "damn it, let go of me," He hissed.

God, there were so many things he hated about Tyki forcing him like this. He hated being under the man like that; he hated being pinned and having no say in how his body reacted. And everything hurt, it hurt so fucking much. It was humiliating, that Tyki could force pleasure out of pain and pain out of pleasure. It felt like his ass was being ripped apart but...at some level, it felt good too. He hated himself for enjoy this hell, even if it was only a bit.

Damn, what he wouldn't give for some clothes and his Mugen. Then he could at least fucking hack the Noah to death, make him pay for touching him. And God damn it, he would make the Noah pay for this, once he got free. Make Tyki wish he'd never been born.

Yes, that sounded like good retribution. Tear the bastard's innards out, castrate the bitch and beat the shit out of him. And all he needed to do that, was to get the hell away from the bastard, maybe force something to eat down his throat.

But in order for that to happen, it was looking like Kanda would have to wait for somebody to find him. Kanda wasn't sure he could handle anybody finding him like this.

But God, he didn't want to die like this either.

This wasn't fucking fair, he didn't want this. The first time had been so damn painful and he knew that Tyki was only getting rougher, in hopes of getting him to beg. Tyki snorted, wrestling the struggling man over to the bed. He slammed Kanda down onto the bed. "Are you going to make me, Kanda-kun?" He said, leaning down to kiss Kanda, who immediately jerked his head away.

"Don't you dare, bastard," he hissed. He knew it was ridiculous, to be so offended at a kiss, as Tyki had done so many other, crueler things. But he didn't want the bitch's touching his lips. Kanda knew, at this point, if Tyki really wanted to, he could make Kanda do whatever he wanted.

He'd already made Kanda have sex. He'd forced Kanda to give him oral. He'd made the Japanese cry with pain and shame. He'd forced Kanda to admit it felt good.

He was close to making Kanda beg; though he wasn't sure if he'd beg for freedom, death, or just an end to having Tyki touch him like that.

Kanda blinked away tears of shame as Tyki ignored him. He forced himself to close his eyes – God, he wanted to die.

He turned to his head to the side shuddered as he felt Tyki's hands exploring his body for the…tenth time, twelfth? Hell, he didn't even know how many times the bastard had done this too him.

God, he just wanted to sleep and never wake up. He wanted to beg for Tyki to let him be.

Kanda shivered, feeling Tyki's hand brush his manhood, stroking him. He wanted to cry – not that he would – feeling himself get hard. It was humiliating, wrong, unfair – so many words to describe it and so little time. "Hmm….You have such a pretty face," Tyki's breath was on his face, making his wince.

"S-Shut up…" Kanda hissed. "Shut up!" He was suddenly back handed and the taste of blood filled his mouth.

"Be quiet," Tyki said mildly. He was tired of hearing the slightly accented voice talk to him, like he was in charge. The younger man was just going to have to learn to shut the hell up and do as he was told.

Kanda bit his lip to keep from screaming bloody murder at Tyki for hitting him. Maybe if he was just quiet, if he let Tyki have his way with him, the man would leave him alone; for a few hours at least.

Tyki stared at Kanda for a moment, hand resting lightly on the other's erection, before he took the other's hand. "Touch yourself," He said mildly, gold eyes smoldering as he looked at Kanda.

"Fuck you…." Kanda hissed, jerking his hand away from Tyki. God knew he would regret it, but he didn't care. Any act of defiance he could do, he would. Just to keep himself sane.

Tyki's fist smashed into his face and Kanda gasped eyes opening. "I'm tired of being the good guy," Tyki snapped, gripping Kanda's legs with bruising force. Kanda didn't have time to do much more then blink, as he felt his legs being wrapped around the Noah's waist.

He didn't bother to struggle, only braced himself for the –

-"Na-ah," Kanda's body jerked slightly at the sudden intrusion, before suddenly going limp - what was the point of fighting? The bastard would only rape him harder if he struggled. And it already hurt so badly when Tyki was being 'gentle.'

Kanda had to wonder, why anybody would subject themselves to this pain on purpose. He was sure that when – if – he ever got out of this mess, he would never let anybody do this to him again.

He forced himself, to think of other things as Tyki fucked him. Forced himself, to think of the people of the Order he liked – well, tolerated the presence of.

The rabbit…he was alright. He was smart at the very least, with a lighthearted side, but a serious side too. Kanda could deal with the redhead in small doses.

Lenalee. She wasn't a bad person to hang around, not that he ever thought of her as anything but a friend. She was somebody to be protected, and respected, but not touched, lest you attract the attention of Komui. But she could be strong too.

Komui…Komui was a smart man, if nothing else. Maybe Kanda wanted to kill him on occasion, but he meant well. He admired his love for his sister if nothing else.

Of course, there was Kanda's 'father. He hated how…fatherly, the man acted, but at the same time, he enjoyed it. If only a little, he enjoyed the older man acting like he cared. No, Kanda liked that the older man did care about him, not as a weapon, but as a person. No matter how much trouble Kanda caused him.

Kanda found his thoughts drifting to the Moyashi. The white haired boy, who always smiled, always pretended to be happy. Any fool could see the boy had been through a lot. But still, he was always trying to protect everybody; even the damn Akuma. Kanda…he claimed he didn't like the Moyashi, because he didn't. He didn't like that the Moyashi was going to get himself killed trying to protect everybody. Not when he had so much to live for. It made him angry, that he was so willing to throw his life away, for somebody else's.

Kanda panted slightly as Tyki finished inside of him, before bringing Kanda to his own end.

God, maybe he hated that the Moyashi would so happily give his life away for somebody else. But he wished – deep down in the bottom of his heart, in a place he didn't like to acknowledge too often – that the Moyashi would come barging in, spouting out some shit about his teammate/friends.

But that would never happen. Kanda wasn't worth the damn Moyashi's time and he knew it. But still, a man could hope, that he'd have something to 'che' at.

Kanda's glared at Tyki as pulled up off of Kanda. "Stay there," Tyki said as he sat up on the edge of the bed, pulling pants up. Kanda ignored him, trying to prop himself back up on the bed, only to be slapped back down. "I said, stay there," Tyki snapped. "You're not done."

Kanda tried to ease the feeling in his chest. What the hell did he mean, that he 'wasn't done.' Tyki was getting ready to go.

As far as Kanda was concerned, he was done. Tyki caught the look on Kanda's face and took a minute pat Kanda's face – though he nearly lost a finger when Kanda tried to bite him. "Hmm…and to think, I almost felt guilty about this," He said, standing up at knock on the door, grabbing his shirt on the way over.

The door creaked open. "I take it you've come for your turn?" Kanda's stomach lurched.

"Why, yes, yes I have," the voice said lazily.

Kanda turned his head, to see the Noah of Wisdom, standing idly in the doorway. "Alright. Have fun. Careful though, he bites," Tyki warned, leaving. "I suggest you behave Kanda-kun. Wisely's not as nice as I am."

The door clicked shut and it was probably the first time, Kanda ever wished Tyki would come back.

"And you're sure, that he's there?" Allen asked the bum eagerly. "The one with the long black hair, not the one with the curly hair," He clarified.

It had taken Allen days to find out where Kanda might be. He'd had to go to Moscow, where he found the Finder – who had been presumed dead – in critical condition at a hospital. He'd had to sit there for three days, before the man woke up. He'd muttered something about the curly haired Noah, before falling into a coma.

Allen had spent another two days, looking for some other lead. He'd gotten on four train, before he'd finally ended up back in Russian, this time Saint Petersburg, where he'd found that an old peddler had witnessed one man, dragging another man with girlish looks, back to his evil lair.

Allen had thought it sounded promising. After all, Kanda was sort of girly looking, if you didn't look at him closely. Allen himself had thought of the Japanese as more…Handsome the girly for the most part though. The hard jawline and coldest eyes, the way he carried himself, it didn't make him seem weak or woman like at all.

The Peddler nodded, "Da, Da, dat vay," He said, pointing towards the mountains with a wrinkled finger. "On da mountain tops, you vill find da place," He said nodding, smiling a gap-toothed smile at Allen. "But ve careful, there are volves dere at night," He warned Allen.

Allen nodded politely, though he found the man's thick accent hard to understand. He assumed the Russian meant wolves.

Wolves were nothing that he couldn't handle. Akuma were much more dangerous than wolves, though he decided to try and reassure the man. "Don't worry, I shouldn't be too long."

"Dese are big, big vovles," The Russian emphasized.

"I'll be careful," Allen promised with a smile, before he set off. He had to get something to eat first, before he could go rescue Kanda. He would have skipped out, if he thought he could function without food for a while, but he knew it was hard to activate his Anti-Akuma weapon if he wasn't properly fed. And he would need it if he ran into any Noah. Who knew what sort of shape Kanda would be in.

God, he hoped Kanda was alright. The man – though bitter, sullen and downright mean at times – didn't deserve whatever hell those bastards were putting him through. He could be kind, if he wanted too. Granted, it was rare and Kanda usually only helped out with a yelled threat or insult. But he did have a soft spot in him.

Allen exhaled through gritted teeth. He needed to get Kanda back alive. The Order…it wouldn't be the same without Kanda. Lenalee would be horrified, that one of her family had died, Lavi would be heartbroken that his best friend was dead…Tiedoll would cry.

And Allen? He wasn't sure what he would do, never hearing the long haired man call him 'Moyashi.'

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**Little reminder to bother to leave a review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, gore in later chapters.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D gray man, or any of those sexy, sexy characters, including, but not limited to: Kanda Yu, Allen Walker, Lavi, Tyki, Lenalee and...yeah, there be a lot of them. **

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**Again, I have a ridiculous amount of reviews, so thank all of you all very much...don't stop though.**

**I'd like to say, this chapter caused me no end of trouble. I had problems stringing it together, so it may be a bit choppy. I will cheerfully take any suggestions you all have about this chapter.**

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"Komui-san!" Reever yelled seeing Komui throw several random maps and potions in his bag. "What the hell are you doing?" He said. This wasn't like Komui, being so insane – well, more insane then usually.

"I'm going after my precious Lenalee-chan!" He yelled at Reever. "Who knows what that disgusting pervert Lavi is doing to her!" Komui shrieked loudly. Reever changed his mind – this was exactly the sort of thing Komui would worry about. Forget about the missing Allen who was potentially going to walk straight into the hands of the Noah, Kanda who was most certainly dead, brutally murdered. Never mind the fact that Lavi was going with Lenalee, most likely to find Allen and insist the white haired man in getting himself killed. He completely ignored the fact that Tiedoll had completely filled the cafaterria with artworks of Kanda and the Jerry had a surplus of soba.

No, Komui was still hung up on the fact that his sister was with a relatively handsome young man, who might – and this was a big might – be attracted Lenalee.

Never mind that Lavi wasn't actually allowed to fall in love, as he was a bookman.

Reever reckoned that Komui wouldn't care if Lenalee was traveling with a sixty year old man with a half melted face. As long as there was a man next to his sister, he'd flip out. So instead, he tried to reason with the mad scientist, "You can't leave, you have responsibilities!" He yelled, trying to grab some of the maps that Komui was throwing into a bag madly. Like hell the chief could go galloping off after his sister, when there were several years of paperwork to be done.

Reever paused in unpacking Komui's bag glancing up to see Komui hovering over him with a certain look in his eyes.

The Australian did not like that look. It meant trouble.

"Sorry Reever-kun," Komui said in singsong voice, raising his hand to reveal a new device. _Oh shit, _was all Reever could think, Komui leveled the device at him.

There was an acrid, burning taste in his mouth, before the world began and he slumped to the ground. Not before he said through gritted teeth, "Damn you chief…."

Komui smiled as Reever blacked out. "Sorry, Reever-kun, but I have to make sure Lenalee-chan's safe…" He said, picking up her bag.

For all of their planning, Komui couldn't help but notice that if they did find Kanda, they didn't bother to bring a doctor. Not a good thing, for somebody who been attacked by a Noah.

And he didn't need his sister, falling back into a pit of depression, because Kanda bleed to death.

Komui knew he was going to catch hell for this, when he got back; from Central, Reever and his sister. But that was too damn bad. His job was to protect the exorcists. And when roughly a third of them decided to go AWOL hunting Noah, he needed to protect them. Besides that…His sister, was more important than any amount of trouble he got into.

* * *

Allen exhaled as he beat off another Akuma with crown clown. He glared at the thing, deterring him from finding the place where his friend, his teammate was. Allen didn't appreciate people trying to hurt his comrades, even if it was only inadvertently. But he supposed it was a good thing, that he was freeing Akuma's souls.

Allen pitted Akuma. A soul, trapped within something that wasn't even a body, only to be forced to kill the few they found precious in the world. Allen was probably the most sympathetic person in the world, to Akuma.

But God, sometimes they could be a pain in the ass. They just tended to turn up at the worst of times, like when you happened to be looking for comrade who was likely in pain. Damn bad time to show up and demand to fight.

Allen yelled as he was thrown to the ground, an Akuma gripping onto his back. He shouted again as he was pressed onto his back, his eyes meeting the unpleasant face of an Akuma's. "Die, exorcist!" He stared up, reaching his hand up to throw the Akuma off of him when –

SLAM!

He stared up seeing Lenalee's boots smash firmly into the Akuma.

"Sorry we're late Moyashi-chan!" Allen's head whipped around just in time to see the black hammer extend into the rather dazed Akuma.

"We had some trouble with nii-san!" Lenalee apologized, giving the Akuma another, final kick.

Allen smiled at the two of them, though there was a hint of anxiety on his face. "It's good to see you two again," He said easily, though he was rather worried about the two of them. They were facing up against a Noah. He didn't want any of his other friends to get hurt, or kidnapped or killed. Kanda was bad enough.

Lenalee would kill him though, if he said that. She would through a fit like she did, when he refused to let her help him.

He didn't like Lenalee upset. Not a whole lot of people did, Noah being the exception. He sighed softly, wondering how the hell he could keep those too out of trouble. Part of Allen knew that both Lavi and Lenalee could take care of himself.

But still, the Noah had taken out Kanda. Even though, theoretically, the three of them could take out a Noah, Allen wanted to take care of his friends, making sure they were safe. They were his friends, his family. If they got hurt, Allen would never forgive himself.

"So, Yu-chan is around here somewhere?" Lavi asked cheerfully, though he did look a little grim. But he forced himself to look semi-happy, if only to show Lenalee that there was hope. Not a lot of hope – in truth, it would have shocked Lavi if Kanda was still alive.

Allen nodded, "Yes, but I'm not sure where….maybe we should split up?" He asked hesitantly. He knew that if the three of them split up, there would be less of a chance that Lenalee would find Kanda.

Less of a chance he'd find a body as well. Allen shivered and forced himself not to think about finding a half decayed Kanda.

God, the thought just about made him throw up. Sure, Kanda was an ass…But dying alone and left to rot. That wasn't fair, to anybody. The only person who deserved that was the Earl.

Allen was of the opinion, that the Earl deserved a lot of things other people did not deserve.

Lavi looked at Allen hesitantly, it sounded…dangerous, for them to be separated. But they needed to find Kanda as quickly as possible. Even if there was a small, small chance, that he was alive, every second they spent, was another that Kanda was probably cursing them out.

But at the same time, Lavi was rather reluctant to expose either Allen, or Lenalee to a dead man. He had a fairly good idea of how both of them were going to react. Lenalee would cry – something nobody enjoyed – and Allen would get angry. They might do something reckless.

The two of them needed a level head.

He sighed, the need for them to find their comrade too great to ignore. He could only hope the two of them wouldn't be stupid and attack the first Noah they saw. "Well, if it will help us find Yu-chan faster," Lavi agreed.

Lenalee hesitated as well. Was it really, really a good idea to slit up to look for Kanda? Even if it was to find him faster, it seemed like a bad idea. What if a Noah showed up? The other two might never know and Lenalee would be mourning two family members, not one.

But Kanda…he might have been a grouch/absolute bitch, but he was always there for her when Leverrier was around. He would let her hang around him – as long as she was very, very quiet. She'd known him since the two of them were only children. They'd admittedly gotten off to a rocky start – Lenalee had assumed Kanda was a girl. But he'd taught her how to meditate instead of outright killing her.

She bit her lip, thinking about Kanda. She didn't think he was dead – Kanda tended to come out of the worst situations completely unscathed. But the thought of the Japanese man being tortured, beaten was horrifying to her. Alone, that scared her too, to think that maybe – just maybe – the Japanese man might – unlikely – but might be waiting; waiting for help, for his friends and family to help him.

Lenalee gave a hesitant nod. For one member of her family, she would risk losing two others. It left a bad taste in her mouth, a rock in the feeling pit of her stomach and a tangible feeling of worry in the air for her…but she had no choice. Not if she wanted to make sure Kanda made it out alive.

Even Kanda had his limits – and all three of them knew, deep down in their hearts, that Kanda would be reaching his soon.

Allen swore as he continued to force himself through the rather hellish mountaintop in an attempt to find the 'shack,' the peddler had told him about.

He was beginning to wonder if there hadn't been some sort of horrible miscommunication. Maybe Kanda was on a _different _mountain? Well, that would sure as hell suck. Like a kick between the legs, it would be like hell.

He exhaled, trying to console himself with the fact that Lavi and Lenalee still had a chance. It hadn't taken them long to split up. They'd only bother to decide to meet back at the inn and regroup if they didn't find anything by nightfall.

Allen sighed. Being up in this mountain hell in the middle of the night was not an appealing prospect. Actually, to put it bluntly, it sounded a hell of a lot like suicide. God, Russia was cold… Why on earth Noah would ever come here was beyond him. Allen sighed – he hoped Kanda was alright.

He took another few steps, before tripping and landing flat on his face. He growled in frustration, dragging himself back up to his feet, rubbing at his now bleeding lip. The young, white haired man, usually so polite to everybody – minus Kanda – swore out loud, "Dumbass…you better thank me for this," Yeah, like that would ever happen. In fact, it was probably the least likely thing in the whole damn world to happen.

No, Allen took it back. Cross paying his own fucking debts, was probably the most unlikely thing in the world; including the Earl losing about sixty pounds.

Allen exhaled softly – no, Kanda wouldn't thank him. He might yell at Allen, but that was a small price to pay for making sure that comrades was safe.

So, the British man forced himself forward. He pushed himself forward until the cold seeped into his bones and his legs started to ache.

He pushed himself forward, until he could see something. Not a shack, no, defiantly not an more like…a large, abandoned mansion of sorts. Yes, it was official; there was some sort of miscommunication between him and the peddler. At least he knew he was on the right side of the mountain.

The windows were boarded up and it almost looked like nobody had been there for years. If you ignored the footprints in the snow, that was. He exhaled gently, biting his lip, stomach rolling. There wasn't a decayed body anywhere around, nor severed body parts. But he still had a bad feeling, in the pit of his stomach.

It was at least two stories – probably a basement too. That's probably were Kanda was, or Kanda's body. He exhaled softly – he needed to stop thinking like that. He would find Kanda alive, well and kicking. At least, that's what he told himself.

He slowly approached the mansion, biting his lip. He knew he had to be cautious, but he wanted just barge in there, beat the shit out of whoever had taken Kanda, drag the probably pissed off Kanda back to the inn and eat.

What could Allen say? Food and his comrade's safety were the most important things in the world to him. That and freeing poor Akuma's soul's. Allen exhaled once more, before steeling his nerves and slamming his foot into one of the boarded windows.

It made a very satisfying _crunch _sound that made Allen smile.

And that was the sound of him finding Kanda.

* * *

Kanda buried his face into the blankets, a muffled scream of pain escaping him at Wisely's hard, deep thrusts. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes at the burning sensation in his ass and lower back. God this was humiliating. He was being passed around like some common whore.

God, he felt like a fucking whore too, having had too different men touching him like this. Worse than a whore, he was one of those fucking, weak women who were taken advantage of! He bit lip, trying to ignore things that Wisely whispered in his ear, trying not to scream again, or beg for this all to end.

He hated this fucking Noah, almost as much as he hated Tyki. That was saying something.

He flinched at another rough thrust and let out another muffled cry. Wisely didn't even try to pleasure Kanda and it hurt all the more, without any stimulation to his manhood or prostate. Actually, it was more than agony. Agony had stopped a long time ago, now it was just fucking torture. Torture to feel Wisely's hands pinning his waist to the bed, his breath on Kanda's neck and Wisely's length inside of him.

It hurt even more knowing that he'd believed so stupidly, so foolishly that maybe he could fight this Noah off. He'd looked…lazy, not as strong as Tyki was. His relaxed shoulders, his smirk and lazy way of talking – it had given Kanda hope.

Not anymore – now the only thing he could do was shake and twist beneath the other man. Like a mouse caught before a cat.

Kanda cried out in agony as Wisely slammed into him again, reaching his hands up to weakly try and push the Noah of Wisdom off of him. His arms were shaking – all he could think about was getting that bastard off of him.

The Japanese man really couldn't take it anymore. He'd been abused for days – or was it weeks – he hadn't eaten in what felt like forever and he could hardly sleep because of Tyki. He couldn't make anybody stop, no matter how much he wanted too.

Everything felt…wrong, Wisely's breath in his ear as the man continued to say such disgusting things, the agony in his ass and lower back. Maybe…maybe if he asked, maybe if he begged, the man would at least go slower.

Kanda was disgusted with himself for even thinking about giving into the strong desire to beg. But God, the idea of opening his mouth, it sounded so appealing. But he couldn't do that – he wouldn't do that…or would he?

He let out another cry of pain, feeling tears roll softly down his face, despite his reluctance to let them. He bit his lip – he would not, not let out another scream, no matter how much it hurt.

He immediately broke his silent vow at Wisely's next thrust.

It was loud, loud enough to muffle the sound of the door cracking open.

It was not however, loud enough to quite muffle Allen Walker's, extremely pissed off voice, "Get the hell off of him!"

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**Little reminder to bother to leave a review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, gore in later chapters.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: No...just..no.**

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**Don't kill me, as I have a feeling several of you may be a little...pissed off at me.**

* * *

Kanda could have dropped dead at that very moment. He wouldn't have regretted a damn thing if he had. Well, maybe he would have regretted not getting to painfully, slowly rip Tyki's organs out - preferably by reaching down the other man's throat.

Bur for the most part, he would have been happy to drop dead, hearing the moyashi's voice, knowing he was in the room, while he himself was in such a humiliating position. God was cruel, sending someone to save him as he was pinned against the bed, some bastard fucking him senseless – or near senseless in any case. No, Allen couldn't have come when Kanda was alone, or at least not being raped.

No, as always, the damn moyashi had come at the worst possible time, there was.

But Kanda couldn't help but feel some sort of…relief, mixed in, with the pain and humiliation of Allen finding him, beneath the other man, vision distorted with tears. He couldn't but feel himself latching onto the vague, but insistent hope that maybe the stupid Moyashi could get out of this hell though.

God, he hoped so. If the damn moyashi did manage to get him out of this – without spilling his guts to anybody else – maybe, _maybe _Kanda could force himself to say Allen's name. Once. When they were all alone.

He let out a pained moan as he felt Wisely pull out of him. He was at least spared the added shame of the bastard releasing his seed inside him. The bastard probably was startled that the two of them had been so suddenly interrupted. Kanda grimaced at the feeling of agony in his lower back. He tried to convince himself that it wasn't that bad. But who was he really kidding? His entire body was in fucking agony. His healing abilities hadn't even been able to keep up with Tyki. With Wisely, Kanda would be downright shocked if he could walk for the next week – or at least until his healing abilities kicked in again.

Allen for his part, was not particularly happy with the scene either. Actually it scared the hell out of Allen, seeing the way Kanda's shoulder's hunched and shook, seeing Kanda look so…helpless. The man was supposed to be made of ice, supposed to be able to handle anything.

Maybe Allen had been expecting Kanda to have a cut or two, but not this. He'd expected the Japanese to give his typical, 'che,' and maybe a 'what took you so long, Moyashi?'

He hadn't expected to hear Kanda from down the hall, screaming, he sure as hell hadn't expected to see Kanda being…raped?

Allen shuttered inwardly. He'd heard stories, when he was Cross's apprentice, about men who'd been forced by another man – they were horror stories. Raped, beaten – and if you talked about it to anybody, you'd either end up killed, or thrown in jail for acting so sinfully. Those men tended to be ridiculed, their masculinity questioned.

It was more than a shock for Allen to see his friend, his comrade, in such a position. The British man had always seen Kanda as untouchable.

Yet, there he was, shaking – it was hardly noticeable – and letting out soft moans and cries of pain. It…it disturbed, shocked and made Allen's blood boil, that somebody could do that to such a proud man.

"Have you come for a turn too, Allen-kun?" Wisely's voice split through the air, destroying the stillness of the air.

And that was what pushed Allen off the edge, caused Allen bring the full wrath of his fury onto Wisely, who stayed on top of Kanda, smirking idly.

There wasn't much to see, just a simple flash, as Allen activated his innocence.

_Crash_ as Allen's body slammed into the Noah, hurling them both over the headboard and off of Kanda, who'd turned his face to the wall at Wisely's, so he wouldn't have to see the look on Allen's face. Now even the Moyashi was being offered his body. Fucking fantastic.

Allen's fist slammed into Wisely's face once, twice, three times, each time with more force than the last. He might have stopped at the fourth, but the damn Noah just kept smiling lazily at Allen, even after he'd gained a busted lip and black eye.

Allen couldn't really explain the rage he felt, or why it drove him to such violent lengths. Well, he could – he'd always been so protective of those he loved. He probably would have done the same thing if he'd seen Lenalee in the same situation.

But it God, to see somebody humiliate a teammate – a friend – like that…It disgusted him and drove him over the edge.

He was so intent on beating the shit out of Wisely, as a sort of retribution for Kanda, he didn't notice the muffled sound of blankets shifting as Kanda forced himself up. He didn't notice the thud as Kanda ended up rolling off the bed, too tired and sore to stand up like a dignified manner.

In fact, Allen didn't notice anything until he heard the distinct sound of retching. He gave another the stupid Noah one more, punch to the face, to knock him out cold, before he looked at Kanda.

Kanda's stomach, despite the fact it was beyond empty, was desperate to purge itself. Not just his stomach, his body. His body was begging, pleading, screaming for a long shower and for the memory of the abuse to just disappear.

He hated himself, he hated that two different men had touched him like that – that he'd let himself be touched like that.

He winced at the feeling of Allen's hand on his shoulder, jerking away. "Don't fucking touch me," He voice wasn't as strong as it normally was, not as filled with contempt – indeed there was an underlining feeling of fear in the tone. But it wasn't shaking, or sobbing – something that impressed Allen. God knew he'd probably be whimpering and sobbing and screaming, if somebody had been touching him like that.

Allen moved his hand off of Kanda's shoulder, though he had the strong desire try – _try _– to comfort the man who was normally so proud. He started to shrug off his jacket, but Kanda's voice stopped him. "What the fucking hell have I told you about that jacket, Moyashi?" He said, voice low.

"Shut up Bakanda," Allen said, trying to fight the urge to hit Kanda for being so stupid. He let the Moyashi slid, just this once, because Kanda had already been through so much.

The bastard had just been fucking raped and yet he was berating Allen for offering a jacket. He pulled off the jacket and placed it around Kanda's shoulders. "I said don't fucking touch me," Kanda snapped, though he did clutch slightly at the jacket.

He didn't want the stupid Moyashi looking at his body. Way too many people had seen him recently and he quite frankly didn't care if nobody ever saw him undressed again. Who the hell needed sex? From what Kanda could determine, it was fucking painful, even if there was occasional pleasure. It still fucking hurt way too much to do it regularly.

"Sorry," Allen said, moving his hands away from Kanda. He didn't know what else to say.

Kanda looked up, over at Allen to glare at him, to tell him to stop being so damn pitying. This was Kanda's own damn problem – his damn fault for being so weak as to allow himself to be abused.

But his words died in his throat, instead a croaked, "Moyashi,"

Allen started to look over, but a gray hand struck him hard on the head, sending him sprawling to the floor.

_Crack, _Allen's eyes rolled into the back of his head, as his skull connected solidly with the floor. The white hair started to turn into a more…reddish color.

Kanda could feel his stomach roll as Tyki turned to look at Kanda, trademark smirk on his face. "Trying to escape love?" He asked taking a step towards Kanda. "Hmm….I guess I'll have to punish you then…"

* * *

Lavi, was the one who found Mugen. The find, in his mind, confirmed that Kanda was dead. The Japanese man never left anywhere without it. He didn't even go to meditate without the precious sword.

He exhaled – damn it…This was going to kill Lenalee – and Allen too. Lavi had always held a soft spot in his heart, for Kanda, Lenalee and Allen. It was a soft spot, he shouldn't have. He was a Bookman, personal attachments were forbidden.

But…There was something about the three of them that made Lavi want to break that particular taboo. They gave him hope for humanity, a hope that he would never have believed in four or five years ago.

Lavi sighed once more, picking up the sword. He mentally began to prepare himself, for the mental strain of seeing Lenalee cry.

The Redhead hated seeing Lenalee cry. It was so…depressing. She was, after all, normally so cheerful and she genuinely cared for her family. He knew it hurt when one of them died.

Maybe he'd try and comfort her. He wasn't the best comforter in the world, but he'd give it a try, if only to make the girl stop crying.

God, Lavi hated tears. At least he'd have Allen to help him get through Lenalee's sob fest.

* * *

**Little reminder to bother to leave a review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, gore in later chapters.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: ...I really have to say this again?**

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**Kay, since you didn't all kill me, I give you...chapter eight!**

* * *

Tyki roughly grabbed Kanda by the hair, still smirking, ignoring the furious, yet still weak, demand to be let go. He slammed the younger man onto the floor, easily pulling off the jacket Allen had so kindly forced upon Kanda. He tossed it over to the unconscious body of the Moyashi, ignoring Kanda's brief struggle, before the Japanese went limp.

"Get the hell off me, you bastard," His voice was dull, no edge to it. Tyki sighed, giving Kanda a powerful slap to the face. He knew it would leave a bruise if that _crack _sound was anything to go by. But frankly, Tyki didn't care. Kanda was a toy, something to be played with until he got bored, then killed afterwards; or maybe given as a gift to Road.

Kanda flinched slightly at the stinging burning feeling, no longer caring how weak it made him look. After the shit that had happened today, after being passed around from one Noah to another, having Allen come to save him, before his fucking savior get himself knocked out….Kanda could see the point of trying to hide it.

It hadn't taken the younger man long at all, to learn it was easier if he didn't struggle, if he didn't try and struggle. But still, Tyki felt the need to impress upon the fact that Kanda shouldn't talk so much- well, swear so much, "I suggest you keep quiet," He whispered, straddling Kanda's hips, "You might wake up your little friend," He snickered, leaning down to nuzzle Kanda's neck making him shiver. He didn't particularly like it when the Japanese made much noise, other than screaming and begging.

But the stupid man usually insisted on swearing at him, either before, after or during sex.

Kanda turned his head to the side, staring dully at the wall as Tyki's hands traced between his thighs.

God, he felt so…worthless, with both Wisely and Allen in the same room as Tyki was touching him again. He'd let himself be abused, raped by two men, in a matter of days, before Allen had walked in on him.

His body felt numb and he was having a hard time concentrating on the feeling of hands on his skin, pinching his nipples and rubbing his groin – he was having a hard time working up that utter feeling of disgust he'd managed to hold onto throughout this whole hellish ordeal. He didn't give a damn anymore, not about the fact Tyki was pulling at his hair, telling Kanda about what a good fuck he was. He was used to Tyki's disgusting comments, his filthy hands in his hair.

Kanda closed his eyes, counting slowly how many breaths he was taking, instead of the rough intrusion in his backside.

He forced himself to ignore the fact that there were two other bodies in the room that could regain consciousness at any time. He made himself accept the fact, that he was exhausted, battered, bruised, hurt and forced himself to deal with the pain.

He had to deal with this, until the moyashi fucking woke up and helped – Kanda choose the word help, instead of rescued – Kanda get out of this mess. He couldn't just die of humiliation and pain. He couldn't let himself die – he had to keep living, even if he wasn't supposed to be alive in the first place. He had to keep living, because he'd been forced to fight for his life, fight his best friend for his life.

If he had to put up with the fucking bastard raping him to live, then so be it. He would think of it as retribution for him killing Alma.

He panted softly at the feeling of Tyki moving inside him, forcing himself to think through the pain in his back and ass. He may have been used to how the pain worked, but pain was pain. It was going to hurt no matter what he did, no matter how often it happened.

He could feel Tyki's breath on his ear, whispering. Kanda hated the things Tyki would say when he raped the Japanese man. Hated how Tyki insisted that he must have liked it, to cum for him so easily. Kanda knew damn well he didn't like it, but he didn't like being reminded that the Portuguese had so much power of him. He bit his lip, trying to block out the words he didn't wish to hear. He did an excellent job too.

"Nah…M-maybe I'll let R-Road have y-you for a while….I w-wanna give the lovely b-bitch over t-there a turn…." Tyki groaned. It wasn't that he was bored of Kanda – quite the opposite. He wanted to continue to play with him until the younger man started to cry in fear every time the Japanese man saw him. It would take a long time, but Tyki didn't doubt he could do it.

But that didn't mean he was going to stop fooling around with others. "D-don't fucking t-touch him," He raised an eyebrow at Kanda's words.

"Do y-you want h-him to be y-your lover?" Tyki asked, giving another rough thrust, dragging out a half pleasured, half pained.

Kanda didn't wish to be misunderstood, but he couldn't make himself choke out the words. He didn't want the moyashi to himself – he was the goddamned moyashi after all. But he wouldn't wish this sort of torture on his worst enemies – the moyashi included.

* * *

Allen's head hurt like hell. It took him a few minutes to get the willpower to open, but even so, the dull lighting hurt his head. His vision stayed blurred, black still edged around his vision. He was really more aware of the rough stone scraping against his cheek, then anything else. The gray eyes couldn't even recognize the two people in front of him.

He couldn't make himself understand that the splayed black, near blue hair attached to the tense body was Kanda. He couldn't quite comprehend the fact that the gray skinned man perched on top was violating and hurting his friend, his comrade.

Everything sounded so distorted and muffled, but he knew somebody was talking. He just couldn't understand what they were saying. Ahh…his head hurt. That damp, musky smell wasn't helping much either.

He continued to watch, through half lidded eyes, as the gray man pulled off of the black haired man. He blinked, missing a small kick to the Japanese man's ribs before watching the Noah of pleasure grab a still unconscious Wisely.

There was a small twinge of satisfaction as Allen recalled that he had been the one to knock the Noah out so cold. He was supposed to be doing something else too…what was it again?

God that damn Noah could punch hard.

It had been a long time since his head had hurt that much. His senses were so damn muddled….

Kanda! Allen felt considerably more awake. Damn, how could he just lay their when the Japanese man need his help? Damn, he was so stupid. He pulled himself onto his hands and knees, looking around. Where the hell was that moody bastar-

His eye locked onto the Japanese man, who was shaking on the floor, just barely noticeable.

Damn, why'd he have to go and get himself knocked out?

* * *

Lavi stared as the sun started to go down, a pack of ice on crotch. He could have really used Allen's help at that moment. When Lenalee had seen him come in with Kanda's sword, she locked herself into the bathroom.

He'd spent an hour and a half trying to coax her out.

She'd briefly opened the door to kick Lavi in the groin, yell at him for being insensitive before slamming the door shut again.

Overall, he wasn't sure what to do.

He exhaled as the sun started to dip behind the mountains. Allen had probably gotten lost – damn, the boy had such a bad sense of direction. It was looking more and more like he was going to have to go out in the middle of the night, to haul Allen back and explain Kanda was dead.

He'd probably get kicked in the groin again. He glanced at the bathroom door. "Lenalee?" He called, standing up and wincing. "I'm going to find Allen…I'll be back in a bit, alright?" He yelled.

He sighed, receiving no answer and grabbed his hammer. He'd quickly grab Allen, before dealing with the next couple of kicks to the groin accordingly.

It was too bad, that Lavi didn't force himself to open the bathroom door. Else he might have noticed that there was a window in there –

-And Lenalee wasn't in the bathroom.

* * *

**Little reminder to bother to leave a review.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: ...fuck you.**

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**To be completely honest, I like this chapter. But tell me what you think. Also, would it maybe, possibly be possible for more then less then a forth of you to review. -_-" I'm sorry for the wait, I've been busy, being overworked and underpaid *le gasp*  
**

Tyki sat contently in his chair, several floors above his lovely little sex-toy and reluctant lover. A cigarette lay lazily in the corner of his mouth, smoke gently floating around him. The last few days had been so…heh, erotic. As much sex as he pleased and for the most part…he'd gotten his way. Even though the stupid Jap didn't usually do what he wanted on command, Tyki would usually get his way, after Kanda spent a few minutes struggling. But Tyki was finding that slowly, slowly the man was slowly beginning to bend, bend and break. There was becoming less and less struggling, Kanda becoming much more…passive about what Tyki did to him. The first time Tyki had his way with Kanda, he'd had to spend over an hour exhausting the man, before he'd been able to undress him.

Now the man allowed himself to be taken with only a few kicks and foul words.

Tyki smirked, taking another firm drag from his cigarette. He didn't think it would be too much longer before the man would simply lay down and let Tyki do as he pleased. And after that, Tyki would get rid of him. To an extent, Tyki sympathized with Kanda.

He exhaled the smoke reveling in the taste of nicotine.

Tyki had smoked for a very long time. He'd started at…age fifteen? No, fourteen, when his brother had first given him a pack.

Back then, he'd only smoked occasionally, every now and then to loosen himself up. Now he rarely stopped smoking, except for sex, showers and sleep, he never did stop smoking. They were the three S's, the only thing that could stop him from burning up his lungs with that sweet smoke.

When had he first started to become a chain-smoker? It had been after his inner Noah had awoken….Hmm, it had been about the time he'd become a Noah.

A, now he remembered. It had been just after the Earl had…showed him how sex with another man was done. It had been rough, passionate night, with the leader of the Noah, that's what it had been; a very frustrating and confusing night. Most nights with the Earl tended to be like that. You'd think you were just fine, having an innocent conversation, and then suddenly, you were being pinned between a solid surface and the unsurprisingly strong Earl. He smirked, a slightly amused and a slightly bitter smirk. What could Tyki say? His style of rough sex was a learned trait.

If there was one thing that could be could be said about the Noah, it was this: he never put one man through something he himself would not go through.

That didn't mean he much cared that he was playing with the exorcist. Just a toy that was all Kanda would ever be. Something to relieve his sexual tension; a toy to break; that's all any exorcists were. Exorcists were simply ordinary humans, inferior to a Noah like him.

He inhaled another breath of smoke. No, Tyki didn't care about Kanda, not in the slightest. Maybe he understood the younger man's plight, but…that wasn't his problem. Not Tyki's. Enemy's did not care for another.

That was what Noah and Exorcists were – enemies.

But that didn't explain why it pissed Tyki off so much that the Japanese man would defend the stupid cheating boy Allen Walker. Tyki shook his head – he was letting the emotions get the better of him. As far he was concerned, neither Allen nor Kanda were worth a damn, just stuff on the bottom of his shoes. Things to be fucked and made cry.

Yes, he'd work on Allen later that night. Not now though, now, Tyki was tired.

Tyki leaned his head back against the chair, staring up over the ceiling, exhaling smoke in a ring of smoke. He had to admit, it was nice to be on top; much more fun than being bottom.

Well, at least for him. Not so much for his reluctant fuck buddy.

* * *

"I said don't fucking touch me, Moyashi!" Kanda's voice was just as broken as he felt. A slight edge of desperate, voice cracked. There was still that, don't push me, quality to his voice, but it had a bit more of a…trapped animal sound to it.

Allen hovered around Kanda, wanting to do something. He'd tried to give the Japanese man his jacket again, but it had been violently thrown back in his face. "Kanda, we have to go," He said, trying to tempt the man to get back up. "Put on the coat, so we get going," He wasn't even sure he could get the damn door open, but he had to make the stubborn man _stand the hell up. _

Kanda shook his head up, "I said no, fucking Moyashi," he groaned. Kanda didn't want to get up. He wanted the ground to open itself up and swallow him whole.

To think, he'd fallen so low as to need the Moyashi wrap him up in a jacket like a newborn. The only thing that was keeping him from committing *_Seppuku _then and there, was the reminder that he had to live, because he'd had to fight so hard for it. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Rationally he knew that yes, they did have to get up and get the hell out of there. But he also knew it was going to be a pain the ass to stand – literally. His ass was in agony as was his lower back. He wasn't even sure he could walk. Kanda jerked as he felt the Moyashi wrap his arms around Kanda's arms pulling him up. "What the hell, Moyashi,"

"Allen, Bakanda," Allen hissed at Kanda, trying to snap Kanda back to his normal self. He didn't particularly like the Kanda that was lying on the ground, naked and refusing to get up. "Get the hell up already, Bakanda. Or are you too damn lazy to stand up?" He said, trying desperately to get some of that playful banter Kanda and he usually had.

"….Tch…Moyashi…." Kanda said, hanging his head. "Give…me the damn coat…" He hated that he was so exposed. The coat was nice. Whatever Tyki had done to his clothes didn't matter he just wanted something to wear; even if it was the cursed boy's coat.

Allen felt his stomach slip a little, at Kanda's half demand, have request to have the coat back. But none the less, Allen retrieved the coat, only to throw it over to the Japanese man. He didn't know what to say, and so silence fell over them a thick and heavy silence. Allen wanted the quiet, arrogant, ill-tempered man, he'd grown to know and…tolerate. This Kanda was not the Kanda he was used to. Maybe he was a bit less argumentative, but he wasn't…Kanda. Then again, Allen wasn't exactly sure he could be…Allen if _that_ had just happened to him.

Allen watched as the angry, yet subdued man pull on the too small jacket. He sighed, going over to the door. He sure as hell didn't want to be here when Tyki came back.

Having to watch Kanda being molested was not something he wanted to experience again. Nor exactly did he want to become a human shield for Kanda. Even though Allen was sorry that Kanda had to go through all of that alone, it didn't mean he wanted to be manhandled like that. Allen was human too and he wasn't a fool – Kanda was stronger than him physically and had the will of an ox. While Allen's will wasn't anything to laugh at, he didn't think he could take that sort of physical and emotional torment.

Hopefully, the two of them would be out of there soon and Kanda could just…Forget about all of this. Yes, that's all they needed, was for Kanda to forget about all this shit that was happening.

Allen looked around the room as he walked towards the door, and found himself disgusted. This was a place he wouldn't make a rabid wolf sleep in. Yet here was where Kanda had been forced to sleep and eat? If they'd even bothered to feed the poor man.

The room reeked –he hadn't had a moment to notice before, but now that he had a spare second, it was impossible not to notice. There were pools of vomit, where Kanda had lost whatever content it held.

It was damp too; cold and wet enough that Allen was surprised that Kanda didn't have pneumonia.

Allen shook his head – he was getting Kanda out of this hell hole, even if it meant that he had to drag Kanda back naked and battered through snow.

Nobody deserved this sort of treatment – especially not one of his comrades. Even if said comrade was a jackass who threatened to cut his hair off.

The only person who deserved this sort of treatment was the Earl, and his despicable supporter Tyki Mikk.

Allen kicked at the door, trying to knock it down. "Open," He growled. He had to get Kanda out. He was supposed to save his companions, as well as Akuma. If he couldn't do that, then he was worthless. He snapped his foot against the door again, "Open damn it," He growled at the door.

He forced himself to take a deep breath. There had to be a way out of here. There had to be. But, at that moment, Allen couldn't see one.

Growling, Allen decided to take out the big guns and activated his innocence.

There was no way, a door was going to keep him locked up when he had his innocence and somebody to protect.

* * *

A body, all she needed was a body. A body was all she needed, something to prove to herself that the moody little boy she'd grown up with was gone, dead. She'd known Kanda since she was just…eight and the older man was nine. Not that their first meeting had gone smoothly – then again, most people's first encounter with Kanda, did not go smoothly.

_Lenalee peaked around the corner, looking at the long-haired next to the French exorcist. She hadn't seen another child in the Order before, and she'd been there for over two years. Actually, she hadn't seen another female exorcist either._

_She had to admit, she was intrigued. The new exorcist looked maybe a year or two older than her…Maybe she would like the same things? They could play together. Just every now and then. Lenalee hoped so anyway. They could play dress up, if the other liked. Or maybe hide and go seek – The Order was certainly big enough for it. She smiled a little to herself – or maybe her new friend would know how to play a new game?_

_Yes, that would be fun. All she had to do was work up the courage to go and talk to the girl. Leverrier had told her too….if that wasn't enough motivation to get Lenalee moving, she didn't know what was._

_The small Chinese child started to move forward. This would be good, she could make a friend. Somebody else who was sad that they couldn't be with their mother or father…or their nii-san….That would be nice, somebody else who knew what she was going through. _

_She continued to edge forward. "Hi…" She whispered, after having pulled herself close enough for the young girl – Japanese? – To hear her. "My name's Lenalee…what's your name?"_

_"Tch," Was the answer._

_ Lenalee frowned…maybe she was shy? Or was the girl's name 'tch?' Hmm…That would be an odd name. "Do you want to play?"_

_"Tch," the child said again._

_"We could play….dress up…or we could have a tea party?" Lenalee suggested softly, wanting the child to play with her._

_The girl looked at her with a look of utter contempt. "Tch, no. Those are girl games," She grumbled, looking mildly put out._

_Lenalee frowned, "So…You're a girl, it doesn't matter."_

_The other girl looked stricken and put out. Lenalee shrieked as sword that was too big for the other was pointed at her, "I'm a boy," Kanda hissed._

Lenalee shook her head at the memory, wandering through the woods as she looked for some sort of…proof that Kanda was dead. Mugen might have been proof enough for most people, but not for her. Maybe somebody had forced Kanda to let go of his sword. She had to know for sure that Kanda was dead, or else she could be leaving a member of her family, alone, ready to be killed by some bastard Noah.

The Chinese girl shuttered at the thought of Kanda being killed.

Nobody but her brother ever seemed to think of that. Kanda had always been…Kanda. Stronger then everybody, tougher and colder; Kanda was supposed to be invincible.

But here she was, trailing around the area, in a daze, looking for a body to prove that her family member – somebody who was almost like a second big brother to her- was dead. It was killing her to think that somebody so proud had been forced to bow and be killed by a Noah.

It disgusted her, that somebody would hurt her family. But she expected it now, she'd been to enough finder's and Exorcists funeral's over the years, to know that Akuma, Noah and the Earl, would all happily kill her adoptive family.

Lenalee shook her head – no she couldn't think of Kanda as dead just yet. Not until he was absolutely and positively dead.

Kanda was more or less, another big brother to her.

How could he be dead?

He couldn't be. That was how. Not without a body, Kanda' couldn't be dead.

* * *

"Allen-kun!" Lavi yelled, "Allen-kun, where are you?" He said, voice raw from how long he'd been screaming out the white haired boy's name. "I've got food!" It was a lie, but it usually brought the younger man running.

Allen tended to need to eat a lot to keep his strength up. If they boy didn't eat, that meant he couldn't activate his Akuma weapon without food. Plus, he was just plain difficult when he didn't get something to eat. He'd whine about how hungry he was and drift off into thoughts about dongo and Jerry's cooking.

If you went on a mission with Allen Walker, you brought enough food to feed an army in case you got lost or stranded.

"Allen!" Lavi called, a little more impatiently, "I'm tired. Come on, I need your help with Lenalee, please?" He called out desperately to the younger man. It was cold, Lenalee was at the hotel crying, Lavi was hungry and they all needed time to grief for their friend before returning to the Order to get chewed out by everybody for being so reckless. But no, Lavi was probably going to have to drag Allen back with him, just to make sure the lad didn't die of hypothermia.

Jeeze, it would be nice if somebody took care of him for a little while. He might have been a Bookman, not allowed to make personal attachments to people, but he did have feelings. He wanted to grief for the moody man too.

Lavi sighed, _knock it off. You can't grief for somebody who you're not supposed to have feelings for. You knew he'd probably die. _Because that's what humans did. They fought and killed each other. He was just a watcher, a raven on the post, ready to pick at the carnage of war.

But ravens' cried too.


	10. Chapter 10

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: No. I do not on DGM. I only own these sugar cookies *stuffs into mouth***

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**Special thanks to IAmAverage, Hinata's Shadow1, xXCatchMeWhenIFallXx, Mukuro234, Kanda The Forgotten Exorcist, , Irene Gerke, The Abused Zombie, and RmeGamr for taking a some time to review in either the review box or personally.**

* * *

To say Allen was frustrated would be a huge understatement. Allen felt like he was trying to fit an elephant into a mouse-hole.

Or – more accurately, he felt like he was trying to get Kanda something he didn't want to do. "Come here and help me!" He snapped at Kanda, still trying desperately to open the door. For Allen's troubles he got a firm, 'che,' and a 'give it up already.' Allen snapped at him for being pessimistic and slammed his foot again into door. He wasn't sure exactly how much time had passed, but he knew enough of it had passed that Lavi and Lenalee were probably worried about him by now.

Though, they probably thought he'd gotten lost. Shit, Allen wish he'd gotten lost. It would have been a hell of a lot nicer than being locked in a place like this. The smell of vomit was starting to get him. The pure stank was making him feel lightheaded and dizzy; though the more he thought about it, it was probably a concussion after getting hit like that.

Allen hit the door again. What was this thing made out of? Steel? It looked like wood.

It probably was made out of something different though. This room was made to hold Kanda Yu, who was noticeably stronger than most men. Even without his innocence. Allen sighed – everything was so screwed up – they should be at home – himself eating a big pile of dango, Kanda giving him a disgusted look as he shoveled food in his mouth and Lavi laughing at the two of them. That's what should have been happening. But instead, they were here in this little corner of hell.

Allen slammed his fist into the door again. Damn it, he was hungry.

What had it been, three, four hours since he'd last eaten? God – in Allen's stomach time, that was roughly a month. It kept growling at him, yelling at Allen to feed it. Allen wished it would shut up – if he had food, he defiantly would have fed it by now.

"Shut your damn stomach up, Moyashi," Kanda snapped at Allen, hunched over slightly. He was hungry too – maybe not as hungry as Allen, but still hungry. But you didn't hear his stomach screaming to the high heavens about it. Stupid Noah hadn't given him anything to eat. Though, Kanda probably would have thrown it up. After all, he was throwing up and he hadn't had a single bite to eat in days.

Besides, what did the damn Moyashi's body have to be complaining about? Kanda normally wasn't one for self-pity, but he wasn't exactly feeling like himself at the moment.

So, until Allen went through some sort of torture, Kanda felt neither the boy, nor the boy's stomach should be allowed to complain. Not that he was hoping for something like this to happen to the Moyashi. The Moyashi was…disgustingly naïve. He'd probably have some sort of mental breakdown.

Well, at least that's what Kanda was telling himself. God knew Kanda was close to his own mental breakdown.

"Shut up BaKanda, I can't help it!" Allen snapped at Kanda, though he regretted it not long after. He shouldn't yell at Kanda after that. He felt conflicted – part of him just wanted to scream at Kanda, get some of the old banter back between the two of them. The other part wanted to just…ignore Kanda, as terrible as it was. He didn't really know what to do with the man – currently sitting quietly in the corner. It was unnerving to Allen, that the man could be so…idle.

Allen sighed – he did want to help Kanda though. And that meant getting the Jap off his ass and helping him kick down the stupid door. Allen gave a few more, firm kicks. Dear God – he was going to be stuck here forever with _this _Kanda.

He could deal with it, if he had the normal, angry, rough and tumble Kanda. This idle one was actually more scary, then regular Kanda.

* * *

Lavi could have jumped for joy, when he saw tracks. Roughly the same size as Allen's – he didn't have to continue freezing his ass off! He could drag Allen back; get the younger boy to drag Lenalee out of the bathroom – if she hadn't already come out anyway. Lavi had been out long enough that the moon had risen to the top of the sky.

It was a miracle that he'd managed to find anything. Thankfully, not only was it nearly a full moon, there were plenty of stars. The snow must have stopped sometime while Allen was walking, leaving Lavi the lovely little treat of footprints.

Lavi sighed, squinting his green eye in the darkness as he followed the tracks.

Kanda being dead was going to kill Allen. He was probably going to be kicked in the groin – again. What the hell was with people and kicking him in the groin? It wasn't like he wanted Kanda to be dead. Kanda was one of Lavi's best friends. Of course it was –had been – against Kanda's will, but that didn't change the fact.

Lavi exhaled softly – he was going to have to console both Lenalee and Allen. He could feel it in his bones damn it. Not only was he going to have to hold Lenalee why she cried – not that he minded holding pretty women, but crying was a bit difficult – he was going to have to explain once again to Allen, he couldn't save everybody.

God, it was exhausting being the reasonable one. What was even more exhausting was that Lavi wouldn't' be able to breathe outwardly to anybody. Not even Bookman – especially not Bookman.

Lavi stopped – Oh god, Bookman was going to fucking kill him when he got back. It wasn't news to Lavi, he just hadn't really stopped to think about what the old man was going to do to him. Maybe Lavi would suck up and not call him Panda.

Actually, Lavi didn't think it was going to matter. He was a dead man. A very dead man.

Lavi looked up after a few more minutes of walking, to spot a bloody mansion. Wasn't that….wasn't that what Allen was looking for? The red-head glanced down to see the footprints leading into the manor.

Aw shit, what the hell was wrong with the Moyashi? The little boy had probably gotten lost inside the manor going to check for Kanda. Why didn't the boy ever just….Remember that he could ask for Lenalee's and his help? Were they really that hard to ask for help?

Ah, whatever. He'd just tell Lenalee that Allen had gotten all heroic again. Maybe she'd get annoyed enough at Allen to burst out of the bathroom and yell at Allen for being reckless. It worked fine for him – as long as he didn't get kicked in the groin again. Logically speaking, Lavi knew he'd had worse injuries, but still, nothing hurt quite as much as nice solid kick in the crotch.

Lavi slowly entered the house - it didn't look nearly as abandoned on the inside as it did on the outside. There wasn't much dust and it didn't have many leaks. At least, there wasn't' snow on the ground or holes in the ceiling.

The redhead cautiously moved his way through the house, a slightly uneasy feeling in his stomach. "Allen-kun," He called softly, unable to bring himself to do more than whisper. Something about the house made his stomach churn. The silence didn't seem like something to disturb.

His hand rested meekly on his hammer as he slowly walked across the floor – well cleaned carpet muffling his footsteps as he walked down to the only open door. He took a deep breath and slowly started down the stairs – Lavi could only think of two possible reasons for the butterflies in his stomach. The first was he was over reacting, high strung from the stress he'd recently been put under. The second was his intuition was telling him he was about to find something very bad. Lavi was thinking it was the second. After all – how often did you walk into what looked like an abandoned mansion, find out it was fully refurbished, find a door open like that, and find something good?

Plus, there was the fact that he could hear a banging sound coming form down there; always a good indicator that something bad was going to be there.

Now that really didn't sound good. Lavi looked up at the ceiling, taking a few minutes to swallow his fear. Whatever was down there didn't sound particularly good. He could be coming across a trap, or a beaten up Allen, or maybe Kanda's body…or maybe a mix of the three? God, he hoped to high heavens he was just hearing things.

At least if he was hearing things he wouldn't have to deal with so much grief.

Lavi looked around, having reached the narrow hallway at the end of the stairs – god, how many rooms did this place have? He'd seen another set of stairs leading to an upstairs as well as several other closed doors on the main floor.

Lavi twitched, hearing the door banging again along with muffled yelling from the inside. He slowly approached the door. "Allen?" He called cautiously, a bit louder this time.

"Lavi? Open the door!" He could hear the familiar voice of Allen Walker.

"Jesus, Allen, how the hell did you get in there?" Lavi asked, somewhat relieved it was Allen. It could have been something worse.

Lavi's thoughts about something worse disappeared hearing Allen's answer. They were the only two that could make his hair stand on end like that.

_Tyki. Mikk. _

* * *

**_USE THE BOX BELOW IF YOU WANT THE NEXT CHAPTER! I can have one out in a day. If properly motivated. _**


	11. Chapter 11

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: I see that you're still mocking me with this shit. **

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**I would like to thank all of you, so much for all of the reviews...It left me properly motivated ;) Would have been out even sooner, but I was desperate for a nap earlier. I'm sorry, I assumed you'd all like to understand the chapter, something more then fkdka;kf akdfja Kanda kfjald fjka;. More or less what it looked like.**

* * *

_Tyki. Mikk._

The name was enough to strike terror into any Exorcist. Tyki Mikk was a dangerous man, a sadistic and deadly man. Lavi's eye swiveled around the hall, checking to see if he was really alone in the hallway. Noah tended to simply pop out of places when you least expected it. This – in this case particularly – was not a good thing. "Shit…." Lavi said simply.

Sometimes it was best to just keep it simple with the obscenities. "Are you alright Allen?" He hissed, making his voice loud enough for the boy to hear, yet – hopefully – quiet enough that he wouldn't disturb any nearby blood thirsty sadists.

"Fine," Allen's muffled came through. "Open the door!" He yelled. Lavi nodded to himself. They needed to get out of this place. Being in a house infested with Noah was never a good idea; unless of course, you were suicidal. And most people preferred a different approach to their deaths – preferably one that didn't involve blood or whatever the hell the man did in his free time. All Lavi knew was this – after Yeegar, most exorcists were in agreement, death was better than anything Noah could throw at them. There were exceptions of course: Kanda Yu, Cross Marian, Winters Socalo and Noise Marie being the exceptions. Three of the toughest, most badass and stern exorcists there were, plus the sweeter, calm blind man.

"Alright," Lavi said, "I want you to stand back!" He said, pulling out his hammer. He would smash that damn door open without a second thought. He'd grab Allen and they'd split – grab Lenalee and the three could grief for the loss of Kanda in the Order – in safety.

He waited until he heard some scuffling sounds, before hefting his hammer, the black shaft lengthening and the face of the hammer tripling in in width and length. He lifted the hammer high over his head before smashing it down against the door with all of his strength. The wood splintered, breaking and shattering with a loud cracking sound. Lavi pulled the hammer back, revealing a substantial whole in the door. Well….That was one thing taken care of, wasn't it?

Lavi took a few steps towards the door, looking in to check and see that. Allen was okay, not impaled by a stray piece of wood.

"Are you alright-" He paused, seeing the man sitting on the floor. Was that…no, couldn't be.

Yet there he was, sitting in the corner with a bored, almost vacant expression on his face. He was covered in the slightly too short coat of Allen Walker, but he was there….Alive, though there were a few cuts and bruises on his skin. To say Lavi was a bit surprised that Kanda had cuts and bruises on his skin was slightly understated – most little cuts and bruises tended to disappear nearly instantly on Kanda.

But there he was, "Yu-chan!" Lavi cried out cheerfully, slipping into the room, concerns about Noah disappearing into the back of his mind.

His best friend was alive.

* * *

Kanda stared at the ceiling, when he first heard Lavi's voice. The. Baka. Usagi. Why – out of all of the people in the entire Order the _Rabbit _had come along? Not only did the stupid Moyashi come to 'recue,' him, the damn usagi was there too. Why the hell was the man even there? Kanda would have thought the old man would have kept a better leash on his dog.

At some level, Kanda was grateful that somebody had managed to find him since the Moyashi's rescue attempt had failed so utterly and completely. But yet, there was one thought that was stuck firmly in his mind – _Great. Somebody else is going to see me half naked. _Kanda had never been particularly self-conscious of his body, but damn, some privacy after all this shit would have been nice. It would also be nice if somebody had brought some fucking clothes that fit him. The Japanese man pulled the too small coat a little closer around his body. Of course the moyashi would have a coat that about a size and a half too small around his shoulders and half a foot shorter than his own coat.

Well damn, it seemed like everybody had a free, let's-look-at-Kanda's-body pass. He'd already been raped, what self-respect could the man possibly have left? He shot Allen a filthy look, daring the white haired man to giving him a pitying look.

The raven-haired man would punch Allen back into the next week. Hell, he might do that anyway – something to make him feel less like a little girl that had been taken advantage of. Kanda bit his lip, swallowing a strangled sound – Allen had better keep his mouth shut about this to everybody. Or he'd have to beat the shit out every last member of the Order.

Kanda exhaled – Allen might have been a Moyashi, but he wasn't dumb enough to go spreading rumors about him.

Now, the stupid Usagi on the other hand….He would make everything about Kanda's personal life everybody's business!

Kanda didn't want everybody knowing about his business. He'd always been a very private person. He didn't like people knowing his personal business. He didn't liked people knowing anything more then they needed to know about him – which was limited to the following; He liked soba, he didn't like people, if he felt somebody was in his way, then he'd fucking cut them into little bite sized pieces before grinding up the bones for plant food.

Kanda closed his eyes slightly, taking a deep breath hearing the redhead's voice. 'Yu-chan.' He hated the name, but he was too tired to make much of a fuss about it. Besides, it was better than hearing the gray-man's voice. Lavi at least meant it semi-affectionately – even if Kanda was convinced it was for the most part, meant to annoy the hell out of Kanda. He grit his teeth – there were so many other people he would have liked to see him, other than the stupid rabbit. He could have dealt with Marie – the man knew how Kanda worked. He could have tolerated some halfwit Finder – he could at least boss that one around. Really, there were only two people he would have preferred less than Lavi – his adoptive father Tiedoll, and Lenalee. They both would have cried – and crying was never a good thing in Kanda's opinion. He wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. Kanda didn't even know what to do when he had to cry – it made him feel weak. And good knew, he'd felt weak enough the past few days.

He sighed once more, stomach churning a little as he felt like he was going to throw up again. He very much wished that Allen had been the one to manage to get the door open. Minimize the amount of people who found out about this.

Allen watched Kanda as he closed his eyes. He was still so disturbed that Kanda was so…not violent and Kanda like. He still wasn't quite show how to approach Kanda, as the man never had really ackwledged problems before. Was he supposed to…comfort the man? Did Kanda want to be comforted – did he even know how to accept comfort?

Kanda had never really seemed to need comfort before. He was…Kanda – strong and silent, somebody that girls fawned over. Allen knew girl's fawned over Kanda – it was really all that the female Finders talked about. Apparently something about Kanda's cold and unruffled demeanor was attractive…well, not that Allen could disagree. Even the most manly of men could acknowledge that Kanda had good looks. The man had a nice face, angular with a touch of feminine grace that balanced out the hard, stern look. He wasn't thick exactly either, muscular, but not some sort of beast that did nothing then work out.

It wasn't hard to see why the Noah wanted to….take Kanda that way.

"What's wrong with him," Lavi's voice broke Allen out of his thoughts. Allen took a look at Kanda, before realizing the man had fallen unconscious. Allen felt his eyebrow twitch a little – now is when Kanda had fallen unconscious? He couldn't have waited until they were out of the manor? Or hell, even before? There had been plenty of time for Kanda to take a little nap before it was time to get out.

Allen sighed – unreasonable. He was being unreasonable. He needed to give Kanda some…what, lenience? Yeah, he'd give the man some lenience.

"He's just spent time with Tyki Mikk," Allen pointed out, not wanting to go into specifics. He was still having a hard time understanding what had happened to Kanda. He…sort of wanted to ask the man questions, but he knew that would be wrong and invasive. "You'd be a little out of it too," Allen pointed out.

Lavi frowned, continuing to stare at Kanda. "…Where are his clothes," He said, noticing it was Allen's coat he wore.

Allen shrugged, "I have no clue," That was true. "Tyki must have taken them." He suggested. That was probably also true.

"Why would he do that?"

"Would you run out of here, into the freezing snow, with no clothes no," Allen asked Lavi, avoiding the question without too much difficulty. These questions, were questions for Kanda to answer, if he wanted to answer them. And Allen didn't think Kanda was going to be too forthcoming with answers.

"…Good point," Lavi said, not really buying it, but deciding to question this in a safer, less enemy infested environment. He went over to the Japanese man, "We're going to have to carry him," Lavi said to Allen, "Here…you grab one arm and…" He drifted off to notice the wince Kanda did in his sleep, but brushed it off.

He'd bug poor Yu-chan later.

* * *

Lenalee paced. And she paced. And she paced. She hadn't managed to find a single trace of Kanda's body, no matter how long she tried. And now Lavi wasn't there – she should have dragged him along with her. Lavi had probably realized that she wasn't there anymore and gone looking for her. Most people tended to go looking for Lenalee if they thought she was in trouble. They were too afraid of what her brother might do to them, if they left her alone.

Her head jerked up, hearing a knock at the door, "Lenalee, open up!" She heard Lavi's voice and immediately jumped up. Why didn't he open the door himself? Was he injured. He didn't sound like it. She hurried over to the door, and was met with a sight, that made her blink.

There was Allen and Lavi. And in between them, was a slightly beaten up Kanda. She blinked a few more times, feeling tears coming to her eyes. It was Kanda….and he was alive.

She felt her foot snap, forward, straight into Lavi's crotch, "_You told me he was dead_!" She sobbed.

* * *

**_USE THE BOX BELOW IF YOU WANT THE NEXT CHAPTER! I can have one out in a day. If properly motivated. _**


	12. Chapter 12

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: I see that you're still mocking me with this shit. **

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**Thank you so much for all of the reviews. It would have been out sooner, (yesterday) but I am easily distracted by this terrible thing called the internet. If you all want to be so kind and review again though, I can have another chapter out relatively soon. Aka: tomorrow.**

**I didn't like this chapter is much, it felt a little choppy, but I feel many of you might enjoy it. Let me know what you think.**

* * *

The atmosphere was fairly sober in the room – Kanda lay asleep on the couch, covered with several blankets. He would often stir restlessly, before slipping back into a silent, yet still clearly troubled sleep. His expression stayed troubled and tense. Lenalee had placed a washcloth on his forehead, at a loss for what else to do. It was what you did for people who were sick – she assumed that it would work well enough on somebody who was injured.

The girl had washed the majority of Kanda's wounds, frowning at the fact that they were still there – very few people were used to seeing Kanda injured. He usually healed so fast – it was odd. She'd had Allen grab some of Lavi's clothes, as they were a better fit for Kanda. She would have sent Lavi but –well, he was a little busy tending to his own...injury. She'd told Allen to dress Kanda, so he wouldn't be quiet so…well, naked when he woke up.

The white-haired man had protested, feeling awkward about it. He didn't want to – not after having seen _that _done to Kanda. But Lenalee had given him a look that suggested he do it, or suffer the same fate as Lavi – something that no man was willing to brave, especially with Lenalee's dark books. Talk about a nightmare.

And so Allen reluctantly dressed an unconscious Kanda, hoping the man wouldn't feel taken advantage of or anything. He'd slid Kanda's legs the pants that Lavi had provided and slid a shirt onto the man's shoulders, so when Kanda woke up, it wouldn't be quiet as…bad – or at least, that was what Allen was hoping.

And then, Allen had made himself at home at the foot of the couch and was currently, absentmindedly fiddling with a deck of cards, though he would frequently glance upwards at Kanda, as he did feel sort of…responsible for the man. It wasn't Lavi who'd walked in on Kanda being…touched in such a disgusting manor. It had been him. Lavi wasn't the one who'd failed to help Kanda – that had been Allen.

He felt he should have looked faster, found the house faster. Maybe if he had, Tyki wouldn't have had the chance to knock Allen out and touch the Japanese. Maybe if he'd gotten there earlier, he could have beaten Wisely there first.

How many times had that even been going on? Allen knew of at least those two, but…there had been so many bruises on Kanda's hips and thighs. He would have guessed it had happened many more times than just those two. It wasn't like Allen had been…looking or anything, it was just that the black and blue skin had caught his attention. He'd never seen Kanda bruised before…He'd seen the man bleed, but it had never been for long. Kanda had always healed at an almost inhuman rate. So…the mesh of abused skin had drawn his attention. But still, it troubled the British man that there had been so many injuries on the man. He could only guess at how long that sort of abuse had been going on.

Allen sighed – Allen wondered if that had been the only sort of abuse going on. He'd been able to see the sharp bones of the other man's ribs. He knew that Tyki probably hadn't given Kanda much to eat. And the raven-haired man had been vomiting an awful lot lately. But….still it was startling to see exactly how much weight the man had lost in a relatively short amount of time. Maybe…fourteen pounds in two weeks? It was enough that you could see that Kanda had lost pounds. Allen shook his head, frowning to himself – Jerry would help Kanda get back to normal. Jerry would cook Kanda enough soba that Kanda could look a bit more like himself.

Food tended to have that effect on people; at least in Allen's opinion. Food made everything better.

Yes, Allen nodded to himself. Kanda just needed to rest a bit, eat something and forget everything, and then he could go back to being the same old Kanda. The Kanda that Allen loved to bait and scared the hell out of Finders.

At least, Allen hoped that was what would happen. It would be better for everybody if that's what happened.

Allen sighed – no, what would have been better was if that Kanda hadn't been captured raped. He knew that Kanda really couldn't have done anything. Tyki probably would have gotten his way no matter what Kanda had done. But still, it would have been better that way. If it had just been physical torture, Allen knew Kanda probably would have been better by now.

Allen was honestly disgusted that the Wisely and Tyki could do something so completely disgusting to Kanda and not even give a damn. He'd left Kanda lying there on the floor even, like some used whore. And Kanda was by no stretch of the imagination, a whore.

In all honesty there were some rumors going around the Order that Kanda didn't even have those sorts of thoughts. No – Kanda wasn't some whore or call girl or whatever you wanted to call it. Kanda was a strong exorcist who deserved more respect than he'd given by that bastard.

But the fact was, it wasn't just physical. It was all around trauma – he was truly shocked that Kanda wasn't dead. Allen could only imagine what he would have been like in that sort of situation – completely broken.

Allen sighed – even so, it was strange, to think Kanda was the one ended up being forced like that. Allen of course, knew it happened to men on occasion but still - this sort of thing almost exclusively happened to women. Allen had never thought of Kanda as feminine or easy to take advantage of. It was disturbing to see how easily Kanda had submitted to the other two men. He would have expected the older, Japanese to have fought back like hell. But…Kanda had just sort of…taken it. And that frightened Allen a little.

If the strong, raven haired man could give up so easily…could they really defeat the Earl and his damn pack of wolves?

Allen shook his head – no, he couldn't think like that. He was here – in this world – to save Akuma and humans alike. That meant he had to protect Kanda from now on – make sure that the Noah couldn't do anything more. Allen was slowly becoming convinced that Noah weren't either Akuma or human.

Allen sighed – when did the world get so complicated?

Lavi lay tucked away near to the next window, his own little ice pack on his groin. He was still a little put out that he'd first gotten kicked for telling Lenalee Kanda was dead, finding him, bringing him back and getting kicked again. Where was the justice?

He laid his head back against a the wall, looking out the window as Lenalee moved slowly around the room, pacing and thinking of things she could better help Kanda with. He was happy that his friend was alive – but he was worried too.

Lavi could only wonder what had happened to his friend, while there. He didn't buy that Kanda had just been tortured. Yes, Kanda would be exhausted, by torture - few people wouldn't be – but the man had such a troubled expression on his face. There was a different sort of troubled look then Lavi would have normally expected

Lavi sighed gently to himself – whatever it was, he would find out. That was part of a Bookman's job, knowing everything and anything that went on between both sides of the war if he could manage it. And that included recording his friend's sufferings – no matter how badly he didn't want to know about it.

Lavi looked up at the ceiling a dull, thoughtful expression on his face – he supposed it was his fault, for letting himself become so attached to the people of the Order. Attached to sweet little Lenalee and Allen, the rough and tumble Kanda. They were all good friends – the best a man could ever hope for. But the fact remained, Lavi wasn't supposed to have friends.

Lavi sighed – it was too late now. He was attached and once you were attached, you sort of had to wait until everybody you were attached to died or betrayed you. Even though it hurt, that's how things were done, it was only a matter of time.

Secretly, Lavi hoped it was the first one. It was better, that everybody he cared about died, rather than betrayed him. If they died, Lavi could at least cherish the memories they'd had together. If they hurt him like that though, then Lavi would have nothing. No faith in humanity or faith in himself.

He sighed, looking over at Kanda who was still in the midst of his troubed recuperating sleep. Lavi wasn't particularly looking forward to when Kanda woke up. He could only imagine the sort of mood the Japanese would be in upon discovering he had been rescued. Probably along the lines of; _mind your own fucking business, che. _Lavi really hated that word; che.

What the hell did it even mean?

Seconds of silence, minutes until two, maybe three hours went by. Nobody wanted to disturb the sounds of Kanda's rough, but deep breathing. Nobody wanted to talk at all. They were all happier this way. Not happy – but happier not knowing what the others were thinking. Allen was happier with nobody asking him questions. Lavi was happy with nobody giving him answers. Lenalee was happiest not having anybody tell her what had happened to her friends.

Allen finally sat very reluctantly, looking over at the sleeping Japanese. He was somewhat disturbed by the fact that Kanda's hair was down. Kanda would usually, refuse to have his hair down – unless something odd and terrible had happened.

Allen did not feel, this was a time for Kanda to have his hair down. Yes, what had happened was terrible. But Allen felt, it was something to be forgotten. He wanted Kanda to be back to normal, soon. That was why he disappeared into Lenalee's room quietly. Lenalee watched him go, her face a bit questioning but silent.

Lenalee frowned when Allen returned with one of her own hair ties. She didn't particularly mind – they were just hair ties – but she was curious. Until she saw him moving over to Kanda, gently propping up the man's head and pulling the hair back into a loose pony.

She smiled –that was nice of Allen. She was sure with the boy taking such good care of Kanda, the Japanese man would be back to normal in no time.

She watched as Allen slowly smoothed the hair, a look of deep concentration on his face. She smiled – Allen really was a sweet boy; extraordinarily so. Lenalee wasn't going to say Kanda was an ass – as far as she was concerned, he was family – but not many people would do things like this for a man like Kanda.

She jerked a little, hearing Allen give a shriek of surprise. What really surprised her was Kanda's low growl, "I said, don't fucking t-touch my hair," he hissed at Allen, hand having grabbed the white haired child's arm with a surprising amount of force.

Allen struggled not to wince at the pain in his arm – who the hell though even an injured Kanda could be so strong. It was ridiculous. "Let. Go. Of. My. Arm," He said slowly, not wanting to scare the hell out of Kanda and provoke another vicious reaction from the man. He already felt like Kanda was about to break his arm.

"Don't. Touch. My. Hair," Kanda hissed back. Allen noticed the eyes – they were hazy, not really seeing Allen. It gave him chills. What was Kanda – was he thinking of? Allen didn't want to be associated with either of the other men. He took a deep breath, using his most reasonable voice he could – and ignoring both Lenalee and Lavi as they edged closer.

What the hell was wrong with Kanda?

"Kanda-san, let go of my arm," Allen said through gritted teeth. He was rewarded with a tighter grip on his arm. He didn't dare move his arm, for fear Kanda would break it either accidentally or purposely. He really couldn't tell what Kanda was thinking – though he had a good idea.

Allen took a deep breath – wondering if what he was about to do was going to make things worse or better. He was going to hope better but if not…well, there had to be a competent doctor around here somewhere. Someone that could fix a broken bone.

He leaned down slowly to Kanda, taking a deep, reluctant breath. "Kanda-san, it's me, Allen," He said trying to use his most reasonable voice. He leaned back a little, seeing Kanda's face tense a little at the close proximity.

Kanda continued to stare at Allen with a sort of hazy, "….Mo…Moyashi," He said. Allen tried not to grind his teeth. Even when Kanda was delusional, the stupid bastard couldn't remember his name. Stupid BaKanda with short term memory problems. It was ridiculous.

"M…Moyashi…" He agreed reluctantly.

He felt the hand go slack, on his arm and watched Kanda's eyes turn to a duller sense before closing again, "Moyashi…." The raven muttered, slipping back into his restless sleep. The Moyashi was naïve and overprotective.

The moyashi wouldn't hurt him. Too sweet for that.

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Tyki had made it a habit, since he'd first gone through his Noah transformation many years ago, to spend at least one night, sometimes two, in bed with the Earl. Well, it hadn't started out as a habit, it had started out as something the earl required of him. Now, Tyki just appeared, when he felt it was about that time.

And this night, had been one of those nights.

He lay lazily in bed, curly hair framing his face as he stared up at the ceiling, exhaling a soft puff of smoke. He ignored the figure beside him, as well as the urge to get up and go visit his pets. He knew better then to leave the Earl before he woke. It left the Earl quite put out, and he would complain frequently to the rest of the Noah family. Then he was ridiculed by his brother for being a bed hopper.

Ha, if only Sheryl knew how much a bed hopper Tyki was. Tyki had developed a decidedly promiscuous aptitude over the years. He'd bed men, women, really anybody who he felt the need to look twice at over the years, with only a few exceptions. Tyki didn't particularly like bedding man and woman after man and woman. But what could he do – he belonged to the Earl. He didn't have time for a relationship, not like how his brother would have preferred. For now, Tyki intended to keep himself satisfied with forcing his love on the raven-haired boy, and maybe the albino boy while he was at it. He'd let the Earl satisfy his needs as well.

Everybody would be happy.

Well, everybody, nobody, somebody, what was the difference?

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**_USE THE BOX BELOW IF YOU WANT THE NEXT CHAPTER! I can have one out in a day. If properly motivated. _**


	13. Chapter 13

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**Pairings: Tykan, Arekan, LaviLena**

**Disclaimer: Screw you.**

**Do not read if may serve as a trigger. Seriously.**

**I don't know why, but this was really hard to write. Hope you enjoy anyway.**

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Kanda sat quietly on the outside porch, looking dully at the rising sun. It was still cold, but Kanda had left the blanket inside. Kanda Yu, had always been a morning person. He'd enjoyed the feeling of the sun coming up since he'd been still pretty young. Something about watching the sky turn from black, to gray, to orange, to blue was calming to Kanda. Maybe it was just because the sun got up every day, whether or not you were alive to see it come back up. For all of the suns warmth and the life it provided, it could be Just as cold and uncaring as Kanda was.

Kanda had always liked the sun. He liked the sun even more so now, now that he didn't have to stay in the hellish thing Tyki had thrown him in. Kanda didn't even want to call it a cell. The only thing that place was fit for was rats – screw that, rats' wouldn't put up with the shit Kanda had just dealt with.

Kanda couldn't remember a time, when he'd felt so low.

Even rats bit and fought back when threatened. What brilliant idea did Kanda have – don't fucking beg? Rats' were better than him. Rats' had more fucking honor than he did.

Kanda sighed – everybody else was asleep. At least, he thought so. The Moyashi had crashed out on the floor beside the couch – Kanda had nearly killed himself trying to avoid stepping on the boy. Kanda grumbled to himself - the stupid Moyashi was getting in the way even when he was sleeping; typical.

The Japanese man wasn't sure where Lavi was. The redhead had probably fallen asleep in one of the other two rooms. Kanda had also found Lenalee asleep on a counter, an empty mug beside her and a full pot of coffee. Kanda had che'd when he'd seen her – figures she'd want to come after her. She was always way too worried about Kanda, despite his growls and snaps that he could take care of himself. She was always making him say stupid things, like promising to come back.

God, it was going to be a pain in the ass to convince her to leave him alone. She guarded the other exorcists like she was a mama bear or something. Kanda exhaled – well that was too damn bad. He didn't want her help. He wanted to be left alone for a long time, left to meditate without anybody fussing over him. Kanda didn't like when other people fussed over him. He wasn't worth fussing over.

Kanda found himself wondering who the hell had gotten him dressed. He hoped like hell it was Lenalee – he didn't want Komui going all…Komui on in. The Japanese had a vague recollection of the redhead and Moyashi grabbing his arms and dragging him to his feet. The feeling of somebody combing their fingers through his hair; that had been Tyki though, hadn't it? Hmm…he wasn't sure. It was either that or one of the two idiots sleeping inside. He sniffed the clothes - they smelled odd – like musty old books. And they were actually a bit big on him. Probably Lavi's then – Kanda hadn't seen Allen read much and Lavi was the only one who was even sort of taller than him. He grumbled, rolling the sleeves up – he was going to change back into _his _clothes got back to the Order.

After a very, very long bath, during which he was planning on more or less boiling his skin in hot water. His skin felt filthy – he felt filthy. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he hadn't showered in several days, but it felt like something had seeped deep into his skin. Perhaps more than one bath would help the feeling….Hell, maybe he could just skin off the outer layer of his skin with mugen. He'd seen his best friend and trusty companion lying propped against a corner of the room. He'd grabbed his sword quickly and without a second thought. The cold piece of metal made Kanda feel more in control. He'd missed Mugen when Tyki had been doing…that to him. All he'd been able to think about was what he would have done if Mugen had been with him. But Mugen hadn't been with him.

The Japanese man supposed that he ought to be grateful to Tyki, for not taking Mugen away from him permanently.

Kanda sighed, gripping Mugen's hilt tighter – he'd made three promises to himself. The first was he was going to take that damn bath. The second was he was he was going to kill that bastard slowly and painfully. The man was a fucking pervert who'd clearly had too much experience with…that. Kanda sighed – he also had to get stronger, so that fucking bitch couldn't rape him again.

Kanda grimaced – even that word sounded disgusting in his mind. He'd always associated it with stupid and weak women. Those frilly, flirty things that talked to much - those were people he expected to end up as one of Tyki Mikk's play toys. He…He didn't think he'd could be so weak to submit to that. It was disturbing – maybe he'd lost his edge.

His third promise was very simple. He was never having sex with anybody ever again. End of story – he didn't understand why anybody would want to submit to that sort of pain. Yes – parts of it had felt good, much to his shame – but it had mostly felt like somebody was trying to kill him. It had been humiliating to have to be submissive like. Kanda couldn't really picture himself causing somebody that much pain to bring himself pleasure and he wasn't willing to give his body over to anybody else so they could have pleasure.

The Japanese man that it was stupid. He was never going to fucking have sex again – with a man _or _a woman. It was disgusting and painful.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't hear the shuffling footsteps behind him. "Bakanda," He jerked his head at the baka Moyashi's voice. He turned his head to see the white haired boy's face staring at him. He couldn't quite tell the emotions on his face – it wasn't something that Kanda was very good at. He got the broader emotions – pity, sadness, anger happiness. It was the less obvious emotions that Kanda tended to be unable to read. There was something subtler on the boy's face, a mixture of things. Concern, possibly shame to be talking to Kanda, maybe a little bit of disgust – Kanda wasn't sure and didn't really know if he wanted to understand.

Shit…The stupid moyashi was better than him now. The annoying Moyashi wasn't someone who people would try and rape. Nor did Kanda particularly wish anybody to – what Tyki had done to him was disgusting. He wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Well, except Tyki.

Besides, somebody doing that to the Moyashi would be different then somebody doing it to Kanda – Kanda was an adult, he was supposed to take care of himself. The Moyashi was still a child really, at sixteen. He carried the burden of an adult of course, but he was still stupidly naive and sweet. It was disgusting that somebody who had such a dangerous job could act so childish. Or maybe it just bothered him because it reminded him of Alma.

Alma had died – Kanda had killed him.

Kanda did not want to be a killer of another naïve and childish idiot.

"…Bakanda, are you even listening to me?" Allen's voice forced Kanda back into reality.

"Che," He shrugged to Allen and continued to look at the rising sun. A new sun, a new day, a new start; yet Kanda could still fill the shame of the past few days – weeks? – clinging to him and the sins of his lifetime on his skin.

They were hard things to forget.

He didn't notice Allen moving closer to him until the boy touched his shoulder. Kanda spun on his heel, grabbing the cursed arm violently. "Don't. Fucking. Touch. Me," He growled – he didn't want to be touched – ever again. He could still feel the hands of a gray skinned man on his hips and thighs and chest.

Allen averted his eyes, in an attempt not to offend Kanda any further, and took his hand back, "I'm not going to hurt you, Bakanda," He snapped looking away. Didn't the man get that? He was Allen – Allen didn't hurt his teammates. That wasn't how it worked. Kanda was the one threatened to leave people for dead. He usually didn't, but still. Allen protected his teammates, or at least, he tried to.

"Che," Kanda answered him, a look of distaste on his face. He scowled – of course the boy didn't want to look at Kanda. Kanda was pretty disgusting at the moment. He'd been touched by some bastard, hadn't showered in days and his hair was fairly messy too, despite Allen's attempt to pull it back the night before. "Just – don't touch me," He said simply. He didn't want to explain himself – he knew that Allen wasn't going to hurt him. But the hands felt the same. They were invasive and unwanted.

Allen sighed – but didn't attempt to touch Kanda anymore. Instead, he studied Kanda's face – the tense lines and ridged jaw. He could hear the man grinding his teeth. "I'm not going to tell them," He stated, "If that's what you're worried about."

Kanda grit his teeth a bit more – but inwardly, he wanted to laugh. He wanted to laugh and scream at the stupid boy. Of course Allen wouldn't tell – if Kanda even thought Allen was thinking about it, he'd kill Allen. He didn't want this going around the Order. This was something for Kanda to deal with – Kanda to deal with alone. He didn't need the Rabbit recording this, or Lenalee or ten-thousand Finders laughing at him. Maybe he didn't want to kill the stupid Moyashi – tease yes, kill no – but he would if it meant preserving what little – very little – dignity he had left.

"…Of course you won't," Kanda snapped. "Baka Moyashi."

Allen felt his blood rise a little – here he was, trying to be nice, and the man was completely blowing him off. "Allen, BaKanda," he snapped. "Get it right!"

"Tch, Moyashi," Kanda said simply. The boy was always going to be a beansprout to him. Plus, Kanda didn't particularly like the compassion the Moyashi was giving him. It annoyed him – What had happened to Kanda was his own damn fault. If Kanda had been stronger, it wouldn't have happened. Now Kanda had to deal with the consequences, not the damn Moyashi. The Moyashi was going to continue being the same Moyashi – even if Kanda did have to manipulate him a little to get him to act that way.

Both boys were interrupted from what was sure to end up in some sort of bloody fist fight after all the stress they'd been under, by a knock on the door. Allen looked at Kanda with a look of confusion – who else was there? The four of them were already safe inside the hotel room. The rest of the Order had no idea where they were.

That meant…could it be a Noah. "Stay here," Allen said to Kanda. The Japanese man's wounds hadn't completely healed yet. Getting captured again probably wasn't high on Kanda's list of priorities. Allen knew that having Kanda getting killed wasn't particularly high on his list either. He, Lenalee and Lavi had just risked their asses to get the man back safely.

Kanda of course, completely ignored Allen, following him closely on his heel. Kanda was tired of being fucking useless – if it was an enemy, he wanted to slice it up into little bit sized pieces. Allen shot Kanda na irritated look – after this he was going to make Kanda lay down and stay down until his wounds had healed a bit better. Better enough for Kanda to travel back to the Order with.

He motioned for Kanda to go behind the door, since it would be rather counterproductive to beat Kanda into a bloody mess for ignoring him. He opened the door slowly, preparing to activate his anti-akuma weapon –

"Did you find Kanda-kun yet?" Komui's smiling voice filled the room. Kanda suddenly had a violent urge to throw up at seeing that another blabber mouth that talked too fucking much had appeared. Now he had to fend off questions from…a mad scientist….and an inquisitive Bookman. He stalked over to the balcony again, slamming the door shut. He wasn't coming out until all the selfish bastards left him alone to think for a while. They were smothering him. And they didn't even know what had happened – they wouldn't know what had happened. Kanda wouldn't let them find out.

Komui frowned – what was that about? He was about to go and see what was wrong with Kanda – give him an anti-nausea potion he'd cooked up on the way there, when he spotted a mop of red hair.

The same mop of red hair that had taken away his darling sister without telling him.

Lavi – for his part – looked like he might have been considering starting to wear a cup at all times.

* * *

Tyki stared at the door, a contorted look on his face. It was something between rage and complete and utter confusion. It looked like, somebody had smashed through the door with a _fucking sledgehammer. _Where the hell did they even manage to find a goddamn sledgehammer out here – it was the middle of fucking nowhere. Unless that –

Shit. Why didn't he look to see if that stupid white haired brat had brought a friend? He should have guessed that the kid had friends.

Tyki grit his teeth and slammed his hand into the wall, ignoring the cracking sound his fist made. Blood dripped down the broken skin – it didn't matter though. The room was fucking empty. Tyki didn't even need to check the room to know that.

At least if he didn't check the room, he could _pretend _everything was going to be alright. Like somebody wasn't going to kill for letting the exorcists escape. Dear fucking God, he was toast when the rest of his family found out. They were going to kill him for being so careless with his toys. Tyki bit his lip – what the hell was he supposed to do now?

Well, there wasn't a lot he could do. He had to get his fucking toys back, kill them and pretend nothing happened.

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**_The box is right below people..._**


	14. Chapter 14

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, possible spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**...I really, really hate this chapter. But there isn't too much I can do about that I'm afraid. **

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Kanda hadn't let Komui examine him. He didn't care that his ass and lower back hurt, or that it was painful to walk for more than a few minutes. He didn't care that his cuts were still healing at a much slower pace than they should – though they had started to heal some, now that he wasn't under continuous abuse. But they still weren't healing at the pace they should have been, not for Kanda in any case. It disturbed Kanda, but not enough for him to let Komui see the bruises that were placed so oddly on his body. Besides, it really only hurt when he moved around too much. All Kanda needed was some rest – at least, that's what he maintained.

Logically, he knew Komui wouldn't do a damn thing to hurt him. Komui might have been a bit dangerous, if let by himself to create robots and potions – but Komui had never, intentionally hurt another man or woman – the exception being suitors of Lenalee. But Kanda couldn't bring himself to let the Chinese man touch him. Not with a stethoscope, not with gloves – not with a ten foot pole if he could help it. The idea made his stomach twist and he felt like he was going to throw up. Kanda just couldn't stand the idea of somebody touching him. Lavi had yelled at him, Allen had demanded that Kanda be examined. Lenalee yelled at Kanda to take care of himself before going out to get everybody breakfast – maybe a full stomach would help everybody think a little clearer. Komui had also tried his hand at gentle persuasion, thinking Kanda was just being his normal, annoyed and stubborn self.

After all of that had failed – Lavi had moved to plan B.

"Get the fuck off me!" Kanda shouted as Lavi grabbed his arms, trying to restrain and drag Kanda over to Komui. Kanda might not have wanted to admit it, but he simply didn't look well. Anybody could see that – Kanda was thin and much too pale. He looked downright uncomfortable in his own skin and had a noticeable limp.

"Get off of me!" Kanda's voice raised an octave as his vision started to cloud over. The walls in the room started changing, going from the bright blues of the hotel room into the darker, drabber colors of his cell. Stupid hands – he fucking hated them. They were bruising his sides and his chest. Everything fucking hurt. He twisted violently in Lavi's arms, struggling as the other man tried restraining him.

"Allen, I could use a hand here," He called, grunting in surprise and Kanda's held caught him in the gut. He was disturbed at how much Kanda was struggling over a little checkup – he needed it for his health dammit.

Allen hesitated, watching as Kanda struggled against Lavi obviously distressed. Well – maybe distressed was the wrong word. It looked somewhat like Lavi was trying to force Kanda into a vat of boiling oil. He wasn't sure what Kanda was thinking, but he knew it had to be terrifying. He swallowed though – he didn't have a choice. Kanda needed to be treated – whether Kanda wanted to or not, he needed to have Komui take a look at him.

He just hoped that Kanda would tear out his throat for helping Lavi when he felt a bit better. Allen knew Kanda could – it was just a matter of Allen pushing Kanda the wrong way, which – it appeared – wouldn't be too hard in his current state.

Allen grabbed Kanda's other arm as Lavi attempted to wrestle Kanda down to the ground. It was hard to ignore Kanda's yells and demands for them to stop touching him. "Stop fucking touching me!" Kanda's scream – almost a shriek really –made Allen cringe. It looked like Kanda was in actual physical pain and Allen instinctively loosened his grip on Kanda's arms as they finally pinned Kanda to the ground. The result was Allen was almost immediately bucked off, but he managed to hold on. "BaKanda," He yelled, grabbing Kanda's wrists and holding them down. "Stop it!" He yelled in frustration as Kanda struggled furiously beneath the two of them yelling and cursing at the top of his lungs. His eyes had developed that disturbingly hazy look to them. _This is ridiculous, _Allen thought as Lavi managed to grab Kanda's legs and pin those to the floor too. _Even with two of us, we can barely pin him down._ "We're trying to help you," Allen insisted, trying to sound both soothing and scream over Kanda's own demands to be 'get the fuck off you fucking bastards.'

Then suddenly, Komui was there next to them, speaking in a calming, quiet voice to Kanda. It didn't seem to be having any sort of effect on Kanda though. Indeed, it seemed to agitate the man even more. He was forcing Kanda's arm straight and then produced a small needle. Allen watched out of the corner of his eyes, watching as Komui slid the needle into the crook of Kanda's arm.

The three men continued to hold Kanda down until the hazy look in Kanda's eyes started to fade and the struggles became less violent. Finally Kanda's eyes closed after giving them all a hate-filled glare. It took less than ten minutes for Kanda to go from completely psychotic to asleep.

"Damn chief, what was that?" Lavi asked, rubbing the bruise starting too developed where Kanda had rammed his elbow into him. Allen had to agree – whatever the hell that stuff was, it had worked fast. Thank God - it had been exhausting holding Kanda down like that. Allen was surprised that somebody who was supposed to be injured could put up that big of a fight. Allen guessed that he shouldn't have been surprised though – Kanda had always been strong, especially physically. He really shouldn't discredit Kanda, just because of…_that._

"Fast acting sedative," Komui said softly, staring softly at Kanda. What on earth had set Kanda off like that? Maybe Kanda hadn't ever liked to be touched but…that was over the top. He shook his head – maybe his exam would tell him something. Komui hoped so – he wanted to help Kanda. He nodded to the two others. "Help me get him over to the couch," he wanted to get Kanda checked out before the man woke up.

Allen nodded and it wasn't long before he and Lavi had managed to get Kanda situated on the couch, while Komui rummaged around in a bag for a few things he'd need. He turned to Kanda ignoring the two of them, starting off by checking Kanda's pulse. He'd given Kanda a fairly strong dose – enough to keep the man out for several hours. Not enough to kill him by any accounts, but enough that Komui felt compelled to check on Kanda. Komui nodded feeling a nice strong pulse. He'd keep an eye on that, but he was pretty sure Kanda would be fine. He moved onto the rest of Kanda's vitals, starting off with temperature – normal – followed by Kanda's blood pressure – normal – and respiratory rate – a little slow, but normal. "Hmm…doesn't seem like he's in any immediate danger," Komui muttered to the other two who had moved away so Komui could work.

Komui sighed softly as he started to undo the buttons on Kanda's shirt. He needed to check and make sure any open wound Kanda had wasn't infected. For some reason, Kanda tended to think that he was invincible. Because of this, Kanda didn't always take care of himself the way he should – hence, Komui assumed, the reluctance for the checkup. Komui sighed – Kanda was strong, but clearly – as this latest mission showed – not invincible. But that's what Komui, scientists and the medical staff back at the Order were there for. They made sure that all of the Exorcists were taken care of. Because, frankly, if they didn't take care of them, the majority of the exorcists would have already been dead from infection and blood-loss, from what they claimed were 'minor' injuries. Komui shook his head – he admired all of the Exorcists, but sometimes he could just kill them when they put themselves into unnecessary dangerous situations.

Allen averted his eyes as Komui pulled of the shirt, having the feeling Kanda was not going to appreciate being looked at if he didn't have to. He could only imagine Kanda's reaction if he woke up to Komui undressing him.

Suffice to say, there was a lot of blood involved with what Allen was thinking.

Komui took a deep breath at seeing Kanda's midriff. There was a good portion of bruised skin; dark yellowed and purple splotches lining his sides. There were also broken patches of skin, mostly scabbed over, a few still opened and bleeding a little. That was probably because Kanda had thrown such a fuss over this. There also appeared to be bite marks on Kanda's shoulders, neck and stomach.

Komui glanced at Lavi who was pointedly looking away.

In Lavi's opinion, if he didn't see it, or hear it from the horse's mouth, he wasn't going to have to record it. If he didn't _know _and denied the possibility, then it hadn't happened. It was that simple – of course he'd seen the marks on Kanda's body and finger like bruises. That didn't _mean _anything though; As long as Lavi didn't think too much about it anyway.

Allen just looked plain uncomfortable.

"Lavi-kun," Komui said, "Would you mind going to get some hot water from the kitchen?" He asked, giving Lavi an excuse to go. He'd beat the shit out of him later, for stealing his Lenalee.

Lavi nodded, "Sure thing chief," He agreed, eagerly leaving Allen with Komui.

Allen made himself semi-comfortable in the back of the room, watching Komui poke and prod at Kanda. He finally pulled out a small bottle of salve, smearing the stuff onto Kanda's cuts. He followed by starting to bandage the newly opened cuts. He sighed – he should have had Lavi and Allen be more careful.

He glanced at Allen, who still sat uncomfortably in the corner, glancing at Komui, Kanda and then at the door. He wasn't too sure where he should be looking.

Komui frowned, seeing the look on Allen's face; it was a look of somebody who had a good idea of what was going on. "…Allen…." Komui said continuing his work. "Can you tell me what happened?"

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**_The box is right below people..._**


	15. Chapter 15

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**Disclaimer: I only own the cute little Kanda pillow on my bed :)**

**Please do not read if trigger.**

**Been a very strange day for me, so I though I'd finish up this chapter for you guys.**

**I'm sort of hopping the fact that this is really long will make up for the fact it's about a day late. If it doesn't...um...well...sort of sucks to be you. Anyway, I like this chapter, but it feels...I dunno a little ooc, but you guys might disagree. I'll let you all have your opinion. I'd like to thank you for reviewing and implore you to keep up the good work. I will continue to update every 1-3days if you do.**

**Anyway, I hope you have lot's and lot's of fun reading this.**

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The little group had left for the Order three days later. They'd left when the bruises on Kanda's chest and hips had disappeared – after they'd all been satisfied that Kanda's limp was gone as well.

And it felt…different to be home. He felt edgy, despite the fact that there wasn't anybody who would hurt his friends now. It was probably just the left over adrenaline.

Allen stared at his room – he couldn't believe he was back. The last few days had been so odd…so awkward with Komui and Kanda. It had felt like somebody had shoved him into an airless bubble. Allen sighed, remembering back to when Komui had asked him that.

_"…Allen…." Komui said continuing his work. "Can you tell me what happened?" _

_Allen's body language stiffened, silvery eyes flickering to watch Komui bandage the sleeping Kanda. He breathed sharply – was it really that obvious that he knew something? Damn, that would make it harder for Allen to keep Kanda's secret a secret. He thought he'd had a better poker face then that. He was getting rusty. Maybe he should lie? No – Allen didn't want to lie to Komui. _

_The white haired boy bit his lip – should he tell Komui? There were plenty of good reasons to. Komui could help Kanda. While Komui might not have seemed like somebody who could keep a secret, Allen knew different. Komui was reliable; not always, but when it counted, he was a trustworthy man. Komui probably knew better how to help Kanda cope – Komui had known Kanda longer. He could probably figure out how to comfort Kanda._

_But….Allen couldn't. He couldn't make himself speak. The British man couldn't tell Komui that Kanda had been raped by at least two different men. It killed Allen that he couldn't tell Komui. Maybe he could help something. But – Allen tried to rationalize – what was the worst possible thing that could happen if he didn't tell Komui? It wasn't like Kanda could get pregnant – thank fucking God. Allen could…Allen could watch for infection. He would do what he had to, to make sure Kanda stayed healthy. _

_Besides, there were so many things that could go wrong if he told Komui._

_What if Komui reported it to the higher ups? Or told somebody by accident? Allen knew it was unlikely, but he knew Kanda would never forgive him if either of those things happened. Kanda would kill Allen – no he'd kill Komui and _then _go after Allen. Allen wouldn't even blame Kanda; to have everybody know that something like that would happen… That would be disgusting and subject Kanda to ridicule – something the Japanese man didn't take well under normal circumstances. Allen knew Kanda would be ridiculed too – he wasn't so sweet and innocent that he believed that people wouldn't taunt him if they found out; maybe not himself of Lenalee or Lavi. But there were Finders who would probably give their right arm to have something to tease and taunt Kanda with._

_Kanda didn't need that. He'd needed to be left alone – that way he could deal with everything. To the best of Allen's knowledge, that's how Kanda dealt with things –being alone and meditating. Allen sighed – what else could he do? Allen couldn't break his promise. Not without the constant fear of something getting out and Kanda killing him for it. _

_Kanda was just…He could ask for Allen's help if he needed it damn it! Allen didn't know what to do. Kanda wasn't supposed to need help; he was Kanda. But…he did need help._

_God knew how many times Kanda had actually been assaulted and forced like that. God was probably the only person who was ever going to know either – Kanda probably would never talk about this again. _

Allen sighed, throwing his bag onto his bed. His stomach growled – he had to eat. Eating out of the Order wasn't so good. Especially when you left on an unofficial mission – that meant he couldn't eat as much as he would have liked. He was looking forward to having a big pile of dango…and maybe some curry to go with…and fried chicken; he wanted plates and plates of the stuff.

Allen paused outside of Kanda's room.

_"I can't…." Allen told Komui, looking away. He didn't want to look at the white bandages dressing Kanda's chest. It was disturbing, to know that they were covering up finger marks and bruises. If it was just a cut, Allen could understand – he was no stranger to blood and gore. He'd spent a good portion of his life with Cross after all. He'd been mugged and suffered a few bad scrapes of his own. He'd seen his master – much to his dismay – in bed with more than one woman. Hell, on one particularly odd evening, he'd seen Cross leading a man dressed as a woman into his room. Not that the cross dresser had ended up staying long._

_His master had thrown the he (she?) out upon realizing that the person didn't contain any…female parts. _

_But still, it was disturbing that _

_Komui stared at Allen, at his, glasses blocking his eyes. "You can't?" Komui asked curiously, "Or won't?" He said, finishing up Kanda's bandages, tying a firm knot. He surveyed his handiwork – the bandages were a bit messy, but overall, he was fairly sure that Kanda was going to be alright._

_"…I suppose it's a bit of both," Allen said._

Allen sighed – breaking a promise was something Mana had taught him to never do. It went against his basic beliefs to make promises he didn't at least try to keep. Besides – Kanda had already called him on his honesty once. On their very first mission, when Kanda had gone and saved his ass, even after promising to leave him for dead if he got in the way.

The British boy smiled a bit – Kanda was a bit of liar himself…But That didn't mean Allen wanted Kanda going around calling him a 'lying moyashi.' He was annoyed enough being called Moyashi.

Allen shook his head – maybe he should have told Komui. He could probably do something to help Kanda – more than Allen could help Kanda anyway. The only thing Allen could think to do was leave Kanda to himself.

Allen winced hearing a crash come from Kanda's room. What the hell was that?

And apparently, leaving Kanda too himself wasn't too great of an idea.

Kanda stared at his room. It was completely untouched, in the two weeks he'd been gone. He knew he shouldn't have expected anything different. Nobody came into his room – and he meant nobody. Everything was exactly as it should be. It wasn't that he had consciously expected anything different – but somewhere, deep in his mind, he'd expected everything to have changed.

He'd thought that there would have been something different; some sort of physical mark that he hadn't just been on an almost unbearably long mission.

But there it was –just a plain old room – a neatly made bed tucked into the corner, covers slightly pulled back. The coatrack he usually hung up the stupid exorcist uniform on – he needed to get that goddamn uniform replaced now too, damn it. The stain glass window was still cracked and a little dirty. And of course, his damn hourglass with his lotus flower sitting there on his table; it was a stupid flower. He was the only fucking person in the entire world who could see it. He didn't even know why he kept the damn thing in an hour glass like that.

It was a fucking hallucination. It looked real and it felt real, even smelled real – but only to him goddamn it.

He saw hundreds of the goddamn things, every day. It was annoying as fucking hell.

Kanda scowled, turning away from the cursed thing. Breaking the glass wouldn't do anything. Besides, he knew he'd regret it later. That was the first flower he'd ever seen – imagined really. Kanda growled, rubbing at his skin. He wanted to take a bath already. The goddamn hotel hadn't had any fucking indoor plumbing and Kanda had found the idea of bathing with a bunch of strangers had nearly given Kanda a heart attack. His desire to be alone while he scrubbed every inch of his skin clean had – much to his frustration – outdone his desire to bath. As it was, he'd made do with a pot of boiling water poured into a washstand and rag to scrub at the damn cuts and bite marks all over his chest. He wanted a real bath – one that he could maybe drown in. But he couldn't take one just yet, not when there were probably other finders and exorcists there. He'd wait until late at night, when everybody was alseep, even if his skin was screaming for him to do otherwise.

He glowered, stripping off the annoying Rabbit's shirt as well as pants, fishing around for his own button down and pants and pulling them on with a sigh. It was nice not having to wear some other man's clothes.

He glanced down at his chest as he buttoned up the shirt.

Kanda hadn't been able to believe what that bastard had managed to do to his skin in just two weeks. He'd slowed down Kanda's ability to heal himself to almost nothing. He'd been unable to keep up with the fucking abuse and the bastard had left some 'love' mark all over Kanda. The goddamn marks hadn't faded for days – which felt like years to Kanda. He was used to things just…disappearing after a few hours.

The Japanese man shuttered at the thought, sitting down on his bed head and hands. Kanda had always thought that his first time – with anybody – would be much different. Maybe not gentle, but not that goddamn rough. He'd never particularly thought about having sex with a man either to be frank. Maybe he hadn't ever really considered gender when searching for a sexual partner – he hadn't been looking for one – but he hadn't consciously thought about having a man in his bed…or being bed by a man for that matter.

Kanda exhaled sharply – he hated that Tyki had done that to him. His stomach rolled whenever he thought too much about it. No – his stomach rolled when he didn't think about it. He always felt like he was going to vomit; even though he wasn't eating too much. Food just seemed…unappetizing to Kanda. Odd as a few days before Allen had come get him, Kanda probably would have killed somebody for a bowl of soba.

But now…At the moment, even thinking at his favorite thing to eat sickened Kanda, threatened to make him retch. He'd ignored Komui's quiet insistence that he eat at the hotel. He'd also moved far out Lavi's reach to avoid being pinned again – that had scared him beyond all 'd only made himself eat after Lenalee had given him a look that suggested she might cry if he didn't. As it was, he'd ended up throwing up the meal; he just couldn't make himself keep it down.

Kanda found himself getting angrier as the moments went by. How the hell could he have been so weak, as allowing somebody to take advantage of him like that? Allow somebody to get such a complete hold on his life? Why the hell couldn't he just forget about it already? He gritted his teeth – he was weak. He'd gotten what had been coming to him.

Kanda wasn't really sure what compelled him to do what he did next. Maybe it had just been the stress of the past week, the anger he felt and the desire to hit something building inside of him. Maybe it was just that he was confused and tired and that he wanted to take a goddamn bath. But he picked up the stupid coatrack and hurled it at the window.

There was that odd tinkling of class as the window suddenly developed several more cracks and the coatrack pushed throw the glass with one of its hooks. He picked up another random item – he couldn't even break a window proper damn it. Screw the fact that it was winter – until he managed to completely destroy the goddamn window, nothing mattered.

He hurled the thing at the window before picking up another object – pulling his arm back to hurl that too –

"Kanda?" His head whipped around to see the Moyashi pushing his head into the door. The eyes were looking at him a look of concern. But Kanda was too pissed off to really spend the time to identify his

"Get out of my room!" He snarled, throwing whatever was in his hand at Allen; the stupid rabbit's shirt. Kanda wasn't even sure he wanted the stupid boy to leave –he'd been avoiding Kanda like black plague lately. It irked Kanda that Allen who was usually so in his face about helping teammates, was staying away. It wasn't that the Japanese blamed Allen for wanting to stay away from Kanda – hell; Kanda would run away from himself too at the moment. But it annoyed him how much of a…well a fucking idiot the boy was being.

"Kanda, what the hell did you do to the window?" Allen asked. Allen decided to pick the most confusing topic to discuss, as it didn't really make sense to him as to why Kanda would break a window _in the middle of winter, while located in England. _Frankly, it didn't make much sense to Allen. It was fucking freezing in the Order, during winter.

Kanda picked up something else off the floor – a boot this time and tried to hurl it at the window, but Allen made a mad grab for Kanda's arm, "Stop that!" He yelled at Kanda, trying to wrestle the boot out of Kanda's hand. Whatever Kanda was thinking, breaking the window probably wasn't going to help.

"Don't fucking touch me!" Kanda snarled at Allen, trying to shake Allen off of his arm. Allen however, just held on considerably tighter trying to wrestle the goddamn boot out of Kanda's hand. "I said get the fuck off of me!" Kanda practically shrieked at Allen.

Allen ignored Kanda, instead managing to force Kanda to let go of that boot and taking a few steps backwards. "Kanda what's wron-" Allen furious demand was interrupted by a fist to the face. He was sent flying to the floor. "BaKanda," He yelled, "What the hell!"

"I said don't fucking touch me!" Kanda yelled at Allen furiously. Kanda was fucking tired of letting people touch him. He wasn't going to be some stupid little girl anymore.

Allen grit his teeth – Kanda was possibly the only person, in the entire world that could irritate him this much _and _make Allen want to help the Raven haired teen. "You. Were. Breaking. The. Window," He said in frustration to Kanda, standing up while rubbing his eye. Well – that was going to be black in the morning. "What did you want me to do?"

"Stop touching me!" Kanda snapped at Allen like it was the most obvious answer in the universe. He turned to look at the window, with was now full of holes and lovely cracks everywhere. Great – what a smart idea. It looked like the Moyashi had the right idea after all.

Allen stood up, ignoring the temptation to punch Kanda in the face back. Kanda was going to have to learn to deal with people touching him. It was almost unavoidable. But…Allen would let it slide for now. "What the hell are you going to do now?" He snapped at Kanda. The idiot was probably going to freeze to death with that window broken.

"Che," Kanda didn't care. He was tired. "Go away," He said, going to sit on the bed. Maybe he'd get some sleep until it was late enough that he could take a bath without having to worry about anybody seeing him naked.

Allen sighed and left the room. Kanda closed his eyes laying down and closing his eyes. It was only a few minutes later, that he heard the door reopen and he glanced over to see Allen come in with some boards, a tarp and some nails. He'd make Kanda come with him to find a real window later that week, as – clearly – leaving Kanda to his own devices wasn't working too well.

Well, Allen cared. He'd get the window fixed enough for Kanda to not have to worry about snow drifting into the room. Kanda che'd, but didn't try to throw Allen out of the room this time. If the goddamn Moyashi wanted to spend time fixing the stupid window, that was his business.

But that didn't stop Kanda from wondering why the hell Moyashi would do it. He shook his head and yawned. The Moyashi wouldn't do anything Kanda didn't want him to while he slept. The idiot didn't even look at Kanda while he was clothed half of the time. There was no way the annoying Moyashi would molest him while sleeping. The Moyashi was too sweet for that – something that annoyed the hell out of Kanda most of the time. But for once, Kanda could tolerate it.

Still though, he should probably have thrown the idiot out…now. He opened his mouth to tell the boy to get out, "Moyashi," He started before something struck him. He didn't particularly want to be alone. Actually, the idea was borderline terrifying to him that something might sneak up on him while he was sleeping so he sighed and turned over on the bed, "Lock the door when you leave," He snapped at Allen. He paused, "And don't fucking touch me again. I'll tear off your scalp and sell it," He threatened Allen for good measure.

Allen resisted the urge to roll his eyes, "I wouldn't dare touch you BaKanda," He told Kanda.

"Che, Good," Kanda rolled over onto his side closing his eyes. This was a onetime thing; just so the stupid boy would stop bothering Kanda.

At least Kanda told himself that.

* * *

Sheril was almost laughing at his brother. "You lost two exorcists?" He asked looking extremely amused. "And you didn't even destroy their innocence?" He said, twice as amused. The Earl was going to kill his brother. So was Road, when she found out that her uncle had Allen Walker and didn't tell her immediately. His daughter had a thing for Allen Walker and – while it pissed of Sheril to no end – he felt a little sympathy knowing Tyki was probably going to be facing his niece's fury.

Tyki sighed – who was he kidding? Those two were probably long back at the Order by now. He'd spent too much time looking for them and now he had to go straight into the lion's den to get them. He needed somebody's help and his brother was probably the best person to get if from.

In a sense, all of the Noah were brother and sister. But S heryl was different – Sheril was Tyki's blood brother. And blood was thick, hopefully thick enough that his brother would be willing to help him out. The Portuguese man was a little desperate – he'd screwed up. He'd screwed up big time, all for a couple of days of pleasure and sex. Unsurprising as he was the Noah of pleasure, but still, he'd screwed up. "Please help me," He said to his brother.

Sheril laughed a little, "Of course Tyki-chan," He smiled at his brother, standing up with a smirk. "Let's go get those big bad exorcists for you," He said, affectionately ruffling his younger brother's hair.

Besides, at the very least, it could be fun to beat the shit out of some exorcists.

* * *

"Lavi…Lenalee, there is something I'd like the two of you to do for me," Komui said, shuffling threw a huge pile of paperwork. It might have been well deserved, since he'd just blown through his post. Central had sent him the paperwork as a sort of punishment – but Komui had gotten off lightly. He was lucky he hadn't gotten fired or demoted. As it was, he did have Reever – who was still pissed at him – and the higher ups breathing down his back about various…things Komui had done.

"What do you need nii-san?" Lenalee asked curiously. Her brother didn't' usually call them in unless he either (a) needed coffee (b) needed them to go on a mission or (c) needed help with the mountains of paperwork.

Lavi had to admit, he was a bit curious too. He was hopeful that Komui wasn't planning to kill him for taking Lenalee. Lavi felt pretty good about his chances, as Komui probably wouldn't kill him in front of Lenalee.

But that still left the question; what did Komui need?

"I'd like the two of you to watch over Kanda for a while for me," Komui stated. The Chinese man had a vague idea of what had happened. No – he knew what had happened. The slender finger shaped bruises and bite marks and hickeys were give away. But still, he wanted to know for sure. "Just make sure he'd alright. Make sure he's eating and sleeping alright," He said. Komui didn't want Kanda to get sick – and if that meant having his little sister and friend spy on him, so be it.

Lenalee frowned a little, "But why?"

"Oh…I just….have a feeling Kanda might not be feeling too well."


	16. Chapter 16

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse.**

**Disclaimer: I only own the chibi Kanda patch on my sweater.**

**Please do not read if trigger.**

**Okay, so this is sort of, kind of late...Sorry, I've had to get ready for school (I totally forgot) - whi****ch I didn't finish until yesterday. Then my doctor gave me some medicine which _knocked me out for twenty-two hours._** ** I'm serious, I just woke up like...three hours ago. **

**Yeah, yeah, I know, excuses excuses.**

**But erm...I wrote this chapter exactly seven times...I finally gave up trying to go the direction I wanted. So...I'm going to go rework the plot a little.**

**It's kind of short, but...the more reviews you give, the sooner I'll update. **

**Anyway, I hope you have lot's and lot's of fun reading this.**

* * *

Kanda slipped quietly into the bath, tense muscles reluctantly relaxing. Anything that involved relaxing had always been somewhat reluctant on his part, but he'd found it even harder than usual to relax He closed his eyes – it was dark – not dark enough he couldn't see but dark. He still didn't like looking at his chest and hips when he washed. He was always…not concerned; it was more like he dreaded that if he looked the bruises and hickeys that had healed would reappear. Kanda exhaled picking up the washcloth lathered with soap and scrubbing hard at his skin. The skin was already raw from when he'd washed it the night before, but he didn't care. As long as he could feel the fingers on his chest and hips and thighs, he would continue to make sure he was as clean as humanly possible. He exhaled – he was sure that he was getting better though, getting cleaner. The two weeks he'd been back, he'd had to scrub so hard that the skin would break and bleed, to feel acceptable enough to go back to bed. Because Kanda did plan on getting another two or three hours of sleep; the last several sleepless nights had left his eyes very…heavy.

It had been a very…difficult two weeks for Kanda. Everything had settled into a very…strict and he hated it. He'd been banned from missions by Komui – though the man had used the words 'vacation recovery period.' Kanda had screamed bullshit on that one, but the Chief had refused to budge on.

There were many reasons Kanda hated his 'vacation recovery period,' the first and foremost being his days had become very, very dull.

He had his ass dragged out of bed by either the baka Usagi or Lenalee and was dragged – extremely reluctantly- to the cafeteria. Where one of the two – usually the one who hadn't dragged him out of bed – would try to stuff food down his throat. If it was Lavi, Kanda would flat out refuse and just stir the soba around with his chopsticks. If it was Lenalee, he'd try to stomach a bite or two and quietly sip ginger tea. If she forced him to eat more then he'd usually end up having to throw it up later.

He'd escape the damn duo after a few hours of them trying to feed him. Like he was some stubborn child who didn't want to eat – Kanda very much did want to eat, but his desire not to throw up outweighed the urge. He'd spend some time meditating, trying to breathe and steady his nerves after that. Those two were always destroying his very thin patience.

He'd train for several hours after his meditation, trying to physically exhaust himself before he had to sleep. He didn't sleep so well.

Sometimes he'd see Allen out of the corner of his eye, watching him as he'd train. Kanda would try to ignore him, though he was always careful to never keep his back fully turned to Allen. Kanda might have trusted Allen a bit more than most people, but that didn't mean he needed to ask for trouble.

Kanda would usually be dragged back to the cafeteria for lunch by the terrible duo. He'd snap and snarl – and, on one day, when Kanda had been in a particularly bad mood, bite – the two of them. He'd stare at his food for a while before forcing another bite or two down with some ginger tea.

And then Kanda would go out to the woods in the Black Order. What he did there varied – sometimes he'd meditate again or train – sometimes he'd look at the flowers. He'd do whatever he wanted until the sun was well behind the mountain. He'd stay there until midnight when he didn't feel like suffering through Lavi's and Lenelee's attempts to feed him. Or until Allen would track him down – looking extremely agitated – to tell him that the duo had fallen asleep.

By then, Kanda was usually exhausted and Allen would take him back to his room. The white haired boy would usually mutter something like 'Bakanda,' and 'stop pushing yourself.' The younger would then spend some time in his room, doing small fix it projects or some light cleaning. Apparently he felt the need to stay with Kanda until the older fell asleep. Kanda could only guess, that Allen didn't want him breaking another window – the young man had done a surprising amount of swearing trying to get the new glass in.

He always left at some point during the night though; Kanda knew he didn't stay for long, because he was finding it almost impossible to sleep for more than two hours at a time. He'd wake up during the early hours of the morning – around three – sweating and panting. He'd make himself get up – and then he'd take a bath.

Hence, where he was now.

In another hour, Kanda planned on being asleep for a while longer, before waking up, staring at the ceiling for a while, sleeping again and then letting one of the two bastards drag his ass down for breakfast again.

Kanda sighed as ten minutes, and then twenty went by, as he tried to force the shadowy feeling of hands away by scrubbing. He finally caved at thirty minutes – when he felt certain he wasn't going to get any cleaner. Instead, he went to his goddamn hair – something he'd been considering cutting. Kanda had always preferred long hair – he didn't know why, but he did. But he couldn't help thinking, that maybe it had made him look just a little too feminine…maybe if he'd just looked a little less female….Kanda shook his head – no, no, no. He was not giving the bastard the satisfaction of knowing that he'd made Kanda change.

God, he was fucking tired. He wanted to feel clean enough to go back to bed. He knew he was exhausted – he had dark circles under his eyes, everybody was telling him to take it easy and rest. He couldn't fucking stay asleep though.

Kanda sighed – two weeks had passed since they had returned and he still couldn't make himself forget. He couldn't make himself forget anything.

Kanda hated himself for it, hated himself for thinking about it several times a day, every day, dreaming about it, feeling it happen again every time somebody got too close to him. He hated himself for being so unable to control what he thought. He was so in control of himself usually – but the stupid bastard had managed to destroy of his self-control. Kanda still was having a hard time admitting that the older man had made him cry and so many other disgusting things. It made Kanda feel like a fucking woman.

Two fucking weeks and he constantly felt like hands were on his hips and thighs, stroking him….Kanda hated it. It was actually still…painful to Kanda, that he hadn't been able to control his body while he was with Tyki. He'd stay awake at night, reliving every forced moan Tyki had caused him as well as when Tyki had forced him to cum.

God, he was tired of that fucking bastard keeping him awake, even when he wasn't there. He was so tired, but all he could think about was those cold eyes on his body.

Kanda shuddered, washrag immediately going back to his hips and scrubbing harder. Damn it, why couldn't he feel fucking clean already? That's all he wanted – to feel clean and to never think about his time with Tyki – to sleep awhile. Hopefully that would happen soon. God knew Kanda spent several hours a day praying for it.

Though, Kanda wasn't exactly sure why he spent time praying over it. Though he had been raised by the church and scientists of the Black Order, he'd never had much faith – not after the hell he'd been put through as a child. He'd been stuck in a sort of place of half-belief and half-hatred for years. After Tyki, Kanda's belief was all but obliterated. Years of conditioning still insisted he believed in God.

If there was a God, Kanda was begging him to let him sleep solidly for a while.

Kanda sighed as he finally gave up, slipping both his chest and head under the water to get the soap off of him, taking a deep breath, just like he did every night, holding his breath. He was doubtful he'd ever feel really, really clean.

The water felt nice…it enhanced the feeling of extreme exhaustion Kanda was feeling. The water felt warm, almost like a blanket.

Most nights, Kanda considered staying under the water until he drowned. It didn't seem like it would be too difficult, to let water fill his lungs. A few deep breaths and then he'd pass out. It was extraordinarily tempting to see if it would even kill him. But Kanda couldn't do that – he'd made a promise that he would keep living.

And it irritated the hell out of Kanda. Had he had his way, without the Goddamn promise, he Seppuku the minute he'd seen Mugen. But there were a few different reasons why he couldn't do that – the first was he had promised to keep living. The second was – Seppuku generally required two people.

Kanda stayed under the water, wondering exactly how long it would take him actually drown. His body needed oxygen, just like everyone else. The average person was…ten minutes, he was pretty sure. But he wasn't the average person so maybe…fifteen?

Kanda couldn't think of a second person who would consider helping him. Lenalee would bawl and his crotch would probably be just as black and blue as Lavi's was. Lavi would…be Lavi about it – analytical, serious but a touch of jokester about it.

His eyes felt so heavy…it would be so easy to just…close them…a little nap…that was all he needed.

Kanda did not even consider asking the Moyashi. The idiot was so fucking concerned with human life. But Kanda, had never really thought of himself as 'human.' He looked like one, he'd admit to that – and his brain was from a human. But everything that made Kanda, Kanda, in his opinion, was not human. His body was not by human means, his attitude born from inhuman experiments, his healing ability, an experiment; Kanda was not by any sense of the word human – at least not in his opinion.

He probably should have come up for air at that point. His lungs were starting to burn. But he was reluctant to pull himself out of the water when it was doing such an excellent job of pulling him into sleep.

Kanda felt his eyes slip shut – despite a large portion of his brain screaming bloody murder –and his chest jerked as he inhaled a lungful of water.


	17. Chapter 17

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse, **

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. Except my laptop. Which I love.**

**Please do not read if trigger.**

**So...I started school. I know, eeww. With this news, I have some good news and bad news. Good news: I take online classes so I still have lot's of free time.**

**Bad news: My mother went back to work so I babysit my little bro. He eats up all of my free time until mid-September. But I guarantee at least one update a week.**

**So this is roughly four-thousand words and was - if you would like to believe - originally longer. I filled it with lot's of action and love and shit. It might have a few errors because I don't have as much time on my hands as I would like anymore. I am looking into a beta reader...**

**But yeah...I'm not really sure what **_I_ **think of the chapter...but you guys let me know what you think...some of it might be a bit choppy. But I think all in all it ended up okay. Let's go with 'it's not the best, but not the worst.'**

* * *

Allen sat outside of Komui's office, eyes glassy as he thought about what had happened.

_He creaked open the door to Kanda's room. He had to make sure the man was okay…just like he did every night._

_It was around two or three 'o'clock. Usually around the time Kanda got back from the baths. Allen knew Kanda went to take a bath around one – he did tend to visit the man's room every four to five hours._

_The first time he'd seen Kanda missing from bed he'd nearly had a heart attack. It had taken him almost an hour to find the man, scrubbing himself senseless. Allen had a feeling, that it would be rather invasive, to watch the man bath and so…he settled for checking his room after he got back._

_Allen blinked, seeing that the bed was still empty. What the hell….How long of a bath was Kanda taking? Was he even taking a damn bath? Allen gnawed on his lower lip. Maybe he should just go check on him? What sort of harm could that do?_

_Well, other than Kanda skewering him on Mugen for looking at him in the bath. In the middle of the night…alright, it sounded bad…but it wasn't. He was just so worried about Kanda…the man had always been thin…but now clothes hung off his frame and he looked so pale. It scared the hell out of Allen and he felt somewhat…responsible for not being able to help the Japanese man. He did what he could…watched Kanda, cleaned his room right before he went to bed…but the man was still so…not himself. The Japanese man had always eaten a lot less than Allen, but now he was barely eating enough to keep a pigeon alive._

_He sighed; there was no doubt about it, he had to check on Kanda. It was a mixture of a gut feeling and extreme desire to make sure Kanda was alright._

_Allen exhaled – he wasn't sure _exactly _why he went to so much trouble for Kanda…he was…Kanda._

_But he was also the only person who knew what happened to the man…he had to make sure Kanda got back to feeling like himself…he had to damn it._

_It didn't take Allen long to reach the baths; they were so close to Kanda's room…He sighed softly as he entered the baths._

_What he saw was enough to make his heart stop._

_The boney back of a Japanese man showed, showed out of the water, surrounded by long strands of black hair. _

_"Kanda?" He yelled, running and tripping over himself. The body was face down…had the man drown? Shit, shit, shit; _this _is why he had been so fucking careful to hover around Kanda….. He jumped into the water, not bothering with his clothes. He grabbed Kanda from under the arms, ignoring the fact he was naked and forced the head above water? "Kanda?" He yelled, panicked in the other man's ear._

_Was he dead?_

_No, of course not…This was Kanda Yu!_

_Kanda didn't die. That would be too unfair._

_Especially after everything he'd been through._

_Allen grit his teeth, yelling and cursing as he hauled the man onto the concrete. Damn it…Kanda had gotten so damn light. Lighter then when he and Lavi had dragged him to the Hotel. He growled as the black hair spilling onto concrete. He leaned his ear down to the man's chest._

Ba-dump, thump, ba-dump, thump, ba-dump, thump, ba-dump, thump.

_There it was…the heartbeat was still going strong…He went to Kanda's head, checking to see if he was breathing. He placed his hand over Kanda's mouth and nose, waiting for a hot breath to hit his head._

_Damn it. _

_He hesitated – he hadn't had to do this for a long time….he grit his teeth tilting Kanda's head to the side, letting any water trapped in his mouth and nose escape, before placing the head back firmly against the concrete._

_He tilted Kanda's head backwards – praying to God Kanda wouldn't wake up for this – and pinched the man's nose shut. He exhaled, placing his mouth over the other man's and breathing into him. Once…twice… he pulled back, going to Kanda's chest and pressing firmly down with both hands. "Kanda you bastard…" He growled quietly and he continued try and revive the man. "You better not fucking die," He muttered as he repeated the process. It seemed to go on for such a horrifyingly long time. A painful four minutes, and then five went by._

_Before Kanda's body convulsed and he chocked spitting out water. _

_Allen could have hit the bastard in the face for scaring him like that. "What the hell Bakanda," He growled at Kanda._

_Kanda took a ragged breath spitting out more water before collapsing back down on the ground panting, eyes half lidded and lips a light blue. "…Ha…fucking…Moyashi…stay…out of…my way." He panted, eyes closing._

_Allen could feel the hair on the back of his neck rise up. "Bastard…." He growled, grabbing a towel and covering him up. "Somebody! Help!" He yelled, grabbing Kanda around the arms._

_He needed to get the bastard to the infirmary. _

* * *

__His nerves felt shot.

"Allen? How long have you been out here?" Komui asked. Allen lurched to his feet – he'd been waiting for over two hours, but that wasn't important.

"How is he?" Allen asked anxiously as Komui opened his office door and ushered him into a seat.

Nobody was willing to tell him what had happened since he'd pulled Kanda up and out of the water. He knew he had no blood relation to Kanda – but damn it, Allen still felt he deserved some sort of answer as to how the Japanese man was doing.

Komui slowly adjusted his glasses and clasped his hands together, "Kanda is fine. We had to give him something to calm his nerves, but his body should be fine in a few hours," He told Allen. The biggest threat was Kanda might develop pneumonia; but the man had remarkable resistance so Komui wasn't terribly concerned.

Allen frowned at Komui – it wasn't exactly the answer he was hoping for. He was hoping for a 'yes, Kanda will be just fine, we made him not fucking insane.' Well, what was Allen supposed to think? Kanda had clearly lost his mind, trying to drown himself like that. It clearly hadn't even been a planned attempt.

Kanda was – by most people's standards – stupid, rash and frustrating. Those were his three biggest traits. Allen had a feeling that Kanda might have made this rather brash attempt to drown himself – or else he probably would have been more careful for checking things out – he would have made sure Allen hadn't been in the room. He probably would have brought something to weigh himself down as well. Allen could only imagine what kind of willpower it had taken Kanda, to stay under the water until he'd passed out like that.

While it was hard not to be furious that Kanda had done something like that – and make no mistake, he had been terrified – Allen found himself having to admire the man's strength…To force yourself under water that long….it was impressive; extremely disturbing and scary, but impressive none the less.

Allen bit his lip. He hadn't been able to stand seeing him like – the image haunted him, black hair against the concrete and a few strands sticking to the extremely pale skin. He shuddered – almost like a corpse.

Damn it, Kanda was stubborn…why couldn't he just…forget about it all. It wasn't hard to figure out what was made Kanda so….unhappy?

Allen gritted his teeth. He refused to acknowledge that Kanda had tried to kill himself. Kanda was just confused damn it – a little high-strung after everything that had happened….that was it. That was to be expected he guessed…he just never thought that Kanda would to take it to that sort of extreme. He probably should have realized it…Kanda was already starving himself almost to death…he clearly didn't sleep well at night.

Why wouldn't that stupid idiot just talk to him about it? Not even him – just somebody.

"Allen," Komui's voice slashed through Allen's thoughts, "What are you thinking?" He asked, leaning forward on his desk look at the white haired boy. Allen – according to his lovely little spies – spent a considerable amount of time looking after Kanda. He – according to Lavi – watched Kanda for roughly fourteen hours a day. Watched the Japanese while he ate breakfast from two tables over, left five minutes after Kanda to watch him train, for lunch and check on him periodically when the man went out to train in the forest. He'd also spend roughly in an hour in Kanda's room at night, doing who knew what.

Allen frowned – what was he thinking? His head kept jumping from one to another. It was all so confusing. "I'm…just hoping Kanda will be better," He said after a few more moments.

Komui nodded – well, he wasn't surprised. Since Allen put so much time and effort into watching Kanda. "Allen…I need you to tell me what happened," He adjusted his glasses again. Of course, he knew what had happened– he was almost certain he knew exactly what had happened. However – if by some miracle he was wrong – he did not want to be mentioning what he thought had happened to the Japanese man. He had a feeling, Kanda would not take it well, if he implied that the man had been raped and he had not been. Hell, he didn't think Kanda would take it well if he had been.

Allen looked extremely uncomfortable. He knew damn well that he should tell Komui – Komui was would know what to do. However, he did not, under any circumstances, want Kanda slitting his throat in his sleep for telling. Kanda might have developed suicidal tendencies but that didn't mean he didn't still have homicidal tendencies as well. "Err…."

"Allen," Komui said, "It's very, very important," He stressed the word, "That I know exactly what happened to Kanda," if he could just get some sort of conformation…Then maybe he could help Kanda…or at least, get somebody to help him properly.

"Well…." Allen said hesitantly, "I don't know _exactly _what happened." He'd only seen the one time – woken up at the end of what was presumably another rape. He had no clue as to what had happened before that. Allen knew he was stalling – and he could figure out that Komui knew too by the look of anger he was getting from the Chinese man. He hesitated. "I can't, Kanda told me not to," He insisted. He could only imagine Kanda's reaction if he found out he'd told Komui.

"Allen…it's very, very important that you tell me what happened – for his health," Komui said, trying to control the frustration he was feeling. Damn it, he needed to know for sure what had happened…then maybe he could do something for the obviously very hurt samurai.

He exhaled shortly – Komui was trying to help…Kanda needed help. "From what I did see Kanda was pretty badly…" He tried to look for a more elegant way to explain it to Komui. After a few minutes of thinking and coming up with nothing, he sighed. "I know…he was …er…violated at least once…." He said attempting make it sound better than.

Komui nodded to Allen; that was the confirmation he needed. "I see…has he talked about it to you?" He asked Allen. The look of disbelief on the younger man's face was all he need. He should have known – Kanda didn't talker about what was bothering him. Komui nodded again, folding his hands under his chin thinking. The two sat in silence for a bit before Komui said, "Lenalee says you send a lot of time in his room," Komui had to admit, he was curious.

Allen nodded – the Japanese man didn't seem particularly fond of cleaning lately. Allen could only guess what Kanda would do if he left the Japanese to his own devices for the night. Replacing the window once had been more than enough. "Yeah…just until he's asleep," Allen shrugged. It wasn't that big of a deal…Kanda just seemed slightly less likely to fly into some sort of furious rage if Allen was around.

Komui nodded and the two lapsed into silence, absorbing the information thoughtfully. So – the man who was bothered by everything, didn't mind having Allen hang around him at night. "Allen," He said after a while, "What exactly is your relationship between you and Kanda?" He asked. They seemed to bounce between absolute hatred of each other, competitiveness…maybe more.

Allen frowned, "Kanda? He's my friend…comrade…" he said. Well, it was sort of complicated.

Komui nodded – close friends then. "I see. Then you won't mind staying in his room for the next few months," Komui said.

Allen, did not look entirely pleased at the sudden obligation, "W-what?" He asked, looking baffled. "Why would I need to live in his room?" He asked stupidly. It was a very sudden demand and had caught him very off guard.

"Kanda is clearly not in the right state of mind to be left on his own," Komui adjusted his glass, "He can't be left alone, it's for his own safety. Normally we would keep him in the infirmary, but as Kanda we would probably have to keep him sedated, which wouldn't do us much good. Also, I think it would be best if we made things as normal as possible," Komui was interrupted by Allen.

"And me sleeping in his room would be normal?" The voice was a few octaves higher then it usually was.

"Actually, yes, as you said you usually stayed in his room until he fell asleep anyway," Komui said patiently before continuing. "It would be in Kanda's best interest, for somebody to be watching him twenty four hours. To make sure he doesn't do something like this again," He stated. It was true…Allen really would be the best person for the job. Lavi would irritate the hell out of the Japanese man…

"But I don't think I can stop him from doing something like that again," Allen protested. "I don't know _how _to help him," He said, voice rising in frustration, "I've followed him around to make sure he doesn't hurt himself, I've told him he can talk to me, but he doesn't want to talk about it! What am I supposed to do? Force him to tell me about it?" He demanded. It was so frustrating, watching Kanda kill himself like that…not only with the drowning, but the refusal to eat and excessive exercise. It was disturbing as hell, but he didn't know what to do about it.

Komui sighed; Allen knew more than Komui would have thought he would have. The only problem was that Allen did not have any of the knowledge – or confidence for that matter – to help Kanda. The Chinese man could only guess at how much Kanda did want to talk about it…or rather, how much he would like to admit he wanted to talk about it. "Just stay with him. Make sure he's comfortable and that he drinks and eats properly. He'll talk once he's more comfortable," He said. "Allen…You're the only one Kanda's told, correct?" He asked.

"He didn't tell me," Allen said bluntly, "I _saw _it." He shuddered; God, he wanted to forget about that sight…Probably not as much as Kanda did, but he still wished he hadn't been the one to see it…there were so many other people who would have been better equipped to help Kanda.

Komui looked mildly disturbed by this – and more than a little angered. Damn…he should have sent somebody to look for Kanda. He should have assumed the man was alive – but it had been a longshot in all fairness.

He exhaled noisily – at least everybody was safe now…but that didn't mean they were anywhere near done….There was a lot of healing that was going to need to happen.

"You saw it?" Komui repeated and Allen nodded. He took a deep breath before asking the next question, "Did anybody touch you while you were there?" He asked calmly.

"What? No!" Allen said vehemently, face turning red.

Komui nodded – he had to ask. It would be irresponsible of him not to – he'd already been irresponsible enough, not having Kanda more accurately assessed. "In any case, you're the only person who knows…Kanda is not the kind of man who is going to want a bunch of people knowing about it. It would be best for everybody if it was you who watched him," He insisted.

Allen exhaled, "…Do you think it will really help him?"

"Positive."

"I'll do it. But you have to tell Kanda we're roommates."

Komui exhaled, "Alright, agreed…" He felt a little like he'd got the short end of the stick…but he'd do what it took to at least have Kanda functioning again. Not trying to kill himself and willing to submit to examinations without the amount of distress he'd experienced last time Komui had tried to examine him while conscious. He reached his hand toward Allen and Allen grasped his hand as they shook at it. "Kanda is going to be fine…." He said, catching a look of concern and doubt in the younger man's eyes. "He just needs some time," Komui promised Allen.

_Bang. _

The door flew open, revealing the Head Nurse. "Excuse me, Komui, we need your help with Kanda," She said briskly. "_Now."_

"What's the matter with him?" Allen asked anxiously.

The Head Nurse shook her head and beckoned them, swiftly exciting the room. Allen glanced at Komui before running after her.

Kanda woke up gradually. The first thing he fully recognized was the deep, splitting headache. It felt like his brain was trying to pound out of his skull. God – his chest hurt too…almost like it was full of water. He hadn't felt this terrible in years…not since he'd been a little boy; when Alma had pushed him into that….

...Had he drowned again….damn, he hadn't meant to…no, he'd meant to. He'd meant to fall asleep and hopefully never make up again. That had been what he'd been hoping for in any case.

…what a stupid idea; Kanda should have known better. He'd have to try something better than that if he really wanted to kill himself. Though, he probably shouldn't have tried in the first place…but damn, the idea of sleeping – without having to think of those damn hands on him all of the time – it still sounded tempting.

Kanda winced at the sound of low talking. Headache...they needed to shut up so his stupid headache would go away….hopefully soon damn it. He groaned, trying to move his arms before he frowned. He couldn't…He pulled at his wrists again, feeling them bound down to the bed. He jerked his eyes open, swinging them to the left and then to the right. Leather bands…they were keeping his wrists down.

His breath hitched quietly as he jerked his wrists, trying to work his way free. Everything felt so fucking fuzzy.

_He didn't want it. He didn't want his hands tied to the headboard or the hard body pressing down against his, feeling flesh against flesh. He squirmed, jerking his hands against the restraints as he felt warm hands stroking his chest._

"Kanda, please calm down," A voice – one of the nurse maybe – kept speaking firmly and calmly in his ear. But he ignored it, in favor of violently tugged at the strips of leather rubbing at his wrists. "Kanda, calm down…Head Nurse, ma'am? Can we give him anything to calm him down?"

"We might overdose him…let me go ask Komui."

Kanda winced feeling hands grab his wrists, "Calm down Kanda, you're going to hurt yourself."

"Don't Fucking touch me," His voice was loud, almost a scream of insistence that he wasn't to be touched.

_"Fuck you," Kanda would not give up what remained of his pride to let the Noah kiss him. He shuttered feeling warm lips latch onto his neck. Kanda closed his eyes again, trying to focus on how many breaths he was taking; trying to ignore the hand on his manhood, the teeth grazing the skin on his neck, the warmth of the other man's body on his._

Kanda's body thrashed, "Calm down!" Somebody was yelling at him. "Komui! Allen! Hurry up, we could use some help."

"Stop fucking touching me!" Kanda snarled at the hands on his body. He hated it, he hated it, he hated it!

_He shuttered feeling warm lips latch onto his neck. Kanda closed his eyes again, trying to focus on how many breaths he was taking; trying to ignore the hand on his manhood, the teeth grazing the skin on his neck, the warmth of the other man's body on his. God…how the hell could this be happening? Was he really so weak?_

"Kanda, Kanda stop moving! It's Allen!" Kanda continued to squirm and writhe furiously against the restraints, though it calmed somewhat when he felt one pair of hands shoving the three or four others trying to hold him down. "Kanda, stop moving! I'll undo them for you!" Kanda managed to calm his violent turning down to an agitated fidget at Allen's promise.

"Allen, you can't do that -," A nurse started to protest.

"Shut up," Allen muttered, working on the leather as Kanda continued to twitch and squirm. He was obviously panicked – he was probably more likely to injure himself from being restrained then not being restrained.

"Just keep him calm for a minute Allen," another voice, "I'll get him something for his nerves…"

Kanda biting his lip in an effort to keep from thrashing – his every instinct screamed for him to hit something and defend himself. He struggled for a few more seconds, ignoring Allen's quiet reassurances that he was almost done.

When finally managed to get the last restraint undone, Kanda scrambled violently away, placing his head between his knees, trying to breath. So many fucking memories…he'd thought he'd be done with all of this shit by now.

_Kanda cried out in agony as he slammed into him again, reaching his hands up to weakly try and push the Noah off of him. His arms were shaking – all he could think about was getting that bastard off of him._

His breath hitched as he felt somebody touch his shoulder, "Kanda…calm down….it's just me," Stupid Moyashi…it was just the stupid Moyashi. The Moyashi was…safe…he'd just untied him. He'd given him his coat…the window. The Moyashi….he was okay. He took another shaky breath, trying to dispel the images in his head.

"It's just me…" Allen's voice said calmly. "Alright Kanda?" Kanda nodded stiffly, refusing to move. Allen exhaled – well, Kanda was listening now at least. "Listen to me…Komui wants to give you something….can you hold out your arm for him.

For a few minutes, Kanda refused to move before slowly offering his arm up. Komui made quick work of him, quickly inserting the needle and giving Kanda a special blend to put him out for a little…nap. It had to be specially made for Kanda though…strong enough that Kanda's body wouldn't go through it in a few hours.

Allen sat himself up on the bed across from Kanda. "You want to lay down?" He asked the Japanese man.

Kanda shook his head. "I promise, nobody's going to tie you down again Kanda…." He murmured. He didn't want Kanda passing out once the drug got ahold of him.

Kanda stayed quiet. "Come on I'll just sit…" Allen took his hand off of Kanda's shoulder to move to a seat next to the bed. "I promise," He insisted.

Kanda didn't move for several more minutes, before turning onto his side, facing Allen, eyes tightly close. He didn't want to look at Allen, after making such a scene…but he didn't want his back to him.

He exhaled feeling the drug starting to feel a little drowsy, taking a deep, even breaths. His head felt fuzzy…and it was difficult to stay…

Allen let out a sigh of relief as he saw Kanda's face relax. Thank God.

The man deserved a little peace.


	18. Chapter 18

**Warnings: Rape, Language, Sex, Yaoi, Male/Male, non-con, possible OOCness, spoilers, no beta...blood, violence, mentions of sexual abuse, **

**Disclaimer: ...At this point, I really think it would be redundant of me to say I don't own D-gray man.**

**Please do not read if trigger.**

**I still have to baby sit. A lot. Or every day really. But next week I have more time to write - the more of you that review, the more likely I will be to stop trying to comprehend my Forensic Science class and write you a chapter.**

**Still kind of a heavy chapter...I tried - let me stress this - tired to lighten it up a bit...But over all, I'm satisfied with the chapter. Hope all of you will take a minute to review.**

* * *

He had let Kanda go through that…that hell. That was the only word that described it. It was his fault – he should have sent out a search team, should have done something different, instead of just leaving Kanda there to rot.

But God, the chances…they'd been astronomical that Kanda would be alive. Even with his healing abilities and his skills and abilities Kanda should have been dead within a matter of days. Even without Kanda's healing abilities, the damage done to the man hadn't been minor. Kanda had limped and winced at even small movements for several days. It had disturbed Komui, to think about what sort of injuries _had _healed, before he'd gotten there.

Now…now that he knew what had happened he could understand…he could understand the limp.

He could understand Kanda's frantic demands not to be touched. The weight lose…refusal to eat…apparent insomnia. They were classic signs that he'd heard about when it happened to women…who would have guessed, that men suffered the same symptoms. But…it just….it was so strange, to think that Kanda…the man who everybody assumed was an untouchable cold hearted bastard…it was just strange to know.

Even though he'd known – suspected –before, it was different now. He understood it now.

It his fault; it was his, Komui's, fault.

He exhaled loudly, rubbing his forehead. What the hell was he supposed to do?

This wasn't something that happened every day in the Order. It wasn't something that was reported…this wasn't something that was talked about.

Komui wasn't a psychologist; he was a scientist. There was a difference. He was there to help exorcists, to keep them safe. That's why he was he'd joined, to maximize his sister's safety, his sister and the Exorcist's whose lives he put in danger every day and night.

But how was he supposed to help the Exorcists – the people whose lives he tried to protect – if he didn't know how?

* * *

It was very, very late. Most of the Nurses had gone to bed and the few that remained to take care of the few injured Finders and himself were either in another room drinking coffee or had left for some other inexplicable reason. Or maybe they had decided that nobody was going to wake up and had slacked off for the night, wanting to get some sleep themselves.

Kanda didn't particularly care either way; as long as those bastards stayed the hell away from him. He wanted to wallow in his misery in silence without anybody giving him looks. Though he couldn't think it was somewhat stupid of them to leave him alone.

If they didn't want him going anywhere, why the hell didn't they watch him?

Whatever…he'd play the good patient so they would let him leave in the morning.

At least it looked like he was going to get his way, as everybody else in the infirmary was passed out in dreamland too. He was free to mope as he pleased. Mope and curse quietly under the rough sheets that the infirmary had.

Goddamn it, he was extremely frustrated.

Kanda felt like a fool – a fucking fool. He couldn't believe he'd let himself act like that. Like such a stupid idiot….letting all of those thoughts hit him like that just because the hospital had tied him down. How could he have let all those people see him in such a shameful state? God; why had God let him become so weak?

His eyes traced the ceiling with an almost pained look – he was without a doubt, one of the weakest men at the Order. No, he was the fucking weakest. Nobody else had to go through this shit – none of the other men had been taking advantage of like one of those stupid frilly women. He was a woman. No – he was _worse _than a woman. Woman didn't end up tied to a hospital bed and start yelling like a child. He wasn't a fucking Exorcist, he was a little girl. Nobody was going to tell him otherwise either, after that little episode either. He hated himself for acting like that.

He hated himself, for letting what had happened, happen.

He hated himself for everything.

He turned restlessly on the bed, onto his side so he ended up facing Allen. The idiot – true to his word had not let the nurses tie him back down. Nor had he moved from his spot – though the position Allen had originally been in had drastically changed.

He had to hold back a low growl of frustration. The British man could in no way be comfortable in the position he was currently in. Legs pulled up to his chest, feet resting against the armrest, head awkwardly wedged between the wall and his shoulder and his arm dangling off the edge of the chair.

Was the boy a contortionist or something? Kanda could bend in some pretty damn flexible positions, but like hell he could sleep like that.

Kanda exhaled….That Moyashi. He wasn't sure if he was grateful for the other man untying him – and keeping him untied for that matter – or just pissed off about it.

Goddamn Moyashi – if Kanda didn't know better, he'd think that the bastard was trying to mock him for being so fucking weak. Sleeping in a chair like that, as if he could protect Kanda. Kanda didn't fucking need protection!

Kanda exhaled…of course the Moyashi would think that he did though. That was his fault. He'd let the stupid Moyashi think he'd gone soft or something in the past few weeks. He growled.

Damn it all to hell, he'd show the fucking Moyashi he wasn't a Goddamn weakling. If it was the last thing he did, he'd show the beansprout…

Kanda growled again, glaring half-heartedly at Allen. As annoying as the idiot was, Kanda owed him. He owed him for keeping his mouth shut and for getting those nurses to keep him untied. And he owed the idiot money for the damn window.

It was very frustrating to owe somebody so much.

Kanda exhaled noisily, suddenly throwing off the blanket that somebody had covered his body with. To hell with this, he wasn't going to stay here when he couldn't sleep. He would do what he wanted to do. He was fine anyway he didn't need to be there.

He shivered lightly as his feet touched the ground. Resisting the urge to mentally cuss out everything in the universe, Kanda pulled the rub tighter around him, grumbling softly under his breath. He just couldn't get a break today. He kept quiet though, as he didn't want to wake everybody up and be screamed at to get back into bed.

He might have been weak but he wasn't just going to sit lay in bed all day like an invalid.

He sighed as he exited the door, leaning against the wall for a minute. What the hell was he supposed to do? His skin felt disgusting…however; Kanda didn't think it would go over too well if he felt the urge to drown himself again.

But did he care?

No, he didn't care! But he didn't want the crap he was sure to get from everybody if he tried again. Not that it was going to kill him. But no, he did not want that shit.

More accurately, he didn't want the stupid Moyashi having to pull those damn restraints off of him again. That had been embarrassing enough the first time. He didn't plan on a second time happening, damn it! He owed that British man enough.

No, he'd steal some rags from the kitchen and scrub himself down until he bled again; or something. Something that would help him fall into a deep sleep.

He sighed, starting to walk again. This wasn't fair damn it. Everything was so confusing. Everything would much nicer – clearer - if that stupid bastard hadn't raped him. He wouldn't have to look over his back…he wouldn't have tried to drown himself, the Moyashi wouldn't have had to help him and he wouldn't be wandering around like an idiot.

Everything felt so frustrating. He was starving but he couldn't eat without throwing up, he was exhausted but couldn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time, he was so fucking high strung and he just wanted to relax for a few hours – he wanted to be able to tolerate somebody touching him. He'd never been fond of people touching him, but he felt so frustrated that now it made his stomach churn. He wasn't even sure he wanted to be touched again, but he wanted to be able to handle it without memories of hands on flesh and golden eyes roving over his body.

He shuttered, disgusting…it was disgusting.

He exhaled – God was cruel. That was the only explanation. He was a cruel bastard who lived up in the sky, caused misery to everybody, killed off hundreds of people a day and had decided that he hated Kanda.

God had to hate Kanda. Why else, would he let Kanda live the hellish childhood he'd had? Why else would have driven Alma to the brink of madness? He could accept that God would let himself be raped – the way he acted, everything he did, he'd deserved it. But there was no fucking way he could understand why God would let Alma live the way he had, or die that way either.

God was a bastard, no doubt about it; if the bastard even existed.

Kanda just didn't know anymore, leaning against the door; the door to the chapel. He was so familiar with the place…familiar but not comforting. He'd spent every Sunday there, from the time he was 'born,' until he'd left for that mission several years ago. Why he went, he wasn't exactly sure…he was not at all found of going. It was just…a habit he supposed. He didn't believe – or maybe he did. He didn't know. In Kanda's opinion, if God did exist, he had a lot of explaining to do. He smirked slightly to himself as he dragged his feet to the chapel and taking a seat on one of the benches. An apostle that didn't know if there was a God; then we did he keep fighting for these idiots? It clearly wasn't getting him anywhere but in some other man's bed.

"You want to explain that one to me?" He growled up, to the cross with a bloodied and battered Jesus that hung up on the wall. "Well?" He demanded, almost hoping for some sort of answer.

Of course, he didn't get one.

Kanda exhaled as he received nothing but the gold-leafed Jesus staring back at him. He sighed, rolling his head back. "You're just as useless as the rest of them," He muttered to the figure, closing his eyes.

"That's blasphemy," Allen's soft and sleep ridden voice hit his ears. He'd heard the man walking out of the infirmary…though it had taken him a few seconds to wake up. Not matter the situation, Allen was a deep sleeper. "You're lucky it's only me," He told Kanda softly. Blasphemy was not taken well by most of the people in the Black Order. What did one expect? They weren't called Apostles and Exorcists for nothing.

"Che," was Kanda's reply to Allen. "No lightening," He pointed out. So, apparently, whatever God there currently was had decided to pity him and let him stand – sit – where he was without being electrocuted for his blasphemy.

Allen shrugged, looking semi-uncomfortable as he glanced up at the figure of Christ watching them. He shook his head – His Master Cross had certainly said a lot worse. But still, Mana had raised him as a catholic; he didn't really like to hear blasphemy. "I guess not…." He agreed reluctantly. He took a seat next to Kanda, though he did leave space between them. "You weren't supposed to leave the infirmary," he murmured softly to Kanda.

"Che"

"I don't suppose you came here to pray?" He asked Kanda.

"Tch, it's never helped before…." Kanda muttered. He'd begged God all those weeks ago when Tyki had first decided that Kanda was a pretty enough man to bed. Praying clearly didn't work.

Allen exhaled. "…Then why are you here?" He asked.

Kanda shrugged, why had he come here? "I felt like it."

Well, wasn't that just a typical answer? Allen sighed – he really shouldn't have been surprised that the man in front of him didn't want to talk about why he was there. He looked up at the statue again and sighed, bowing his head respectfully and clasping his hands.

Allen had only very, very rarely questioned God when he was younger. As far as he had been concerned, God had been nice enough to give him the circus, then Mana, friends and a home at the Black Order.

Now? Now he had some doubts. They tugged at the back of his mind, but he always pushed them far, far back to where he couldn't t dwell on them, or the things that made him doubt; even though he would rather like to explore his feelings that were considered so immoral.

The urge and desire to kiss another man and not women being at the top of the list.

Allen shook his head – no, no he was not going to cave into that feeling. He'd get lynched.

"I had questions," Allen's thoughts were interrupted by Kanda's blunt statement. "But he's useless," Kanda stared up at the statue, blue eyes furious, cold and – yet – still lacking the fire he'd grown used to seeing in Kanda's attitude and life.

"…I guess it is kind of useless to ask questions," Allen agreed softly. He'd certainly asked a lot of questions and he hadn't gotten any answers. Not yet anyway. The two sat quietly for a while, the only sound his and Kanda's breathing.

It was probably, the most peaceful the two had ever been together. No cursing, grabbing, fighting, arguing or name calling…just…quiet. It felt nice. It felt nice to Allen anyway. But – Allen glanced out of the corner of his eye at Kanda – the Japanese man didn't seem to be…uncomfortable – was that the word? – with the situation.

Nor did Kanda feel particularly uncomfortable. Not with the Moyashi sitting a couple of inches away from him. There was space…the idiot was being quiet. Why should he be uncomfortable? It wasn't like the British man next to him was going to rat him out to the Nurse….not if he knew what was good for him anyway.

Kanda sighed – Allen was an annoying man, but he at least knew how to behave. "You know that Komui is going to make me stay in your room for a while…." Allen's voice absolutely shattered Kanda's thoughts.

"What?" Kanda said voice low and wary. He. Did. Not. Need. A. Babysitter. He was not going to share his room with anybody. Including the Moyashi, no matter how well behaved he was!

"It's just for a few weeks…I'm not thrilled about it either, but…Komui thinks you need to be watched for a bit," Allen tried to phrase it carefully. He wasn't particularly 'thrilled,' about having to spend a few weeks sleeping in Kanda's room – Kanda didn't take change well at all…but really, it was a small price to pay to make sure Kanda didn't try and kill himself again.

"Che," Kanda stared down hatefully at the floor, "You think I'm weak," He snapped at Allen.

Allen exhaled, starting to place his hand on Kanda's shoulder, before stopping, not wanting Kanda to be made uncomfortable. "I didn't say that." He responded – he didn't really know if that's what he thought though. Physically, Allen knew Kanda was strong enough to take on nearly anything. Except now that he was starving himself, Allen wasn't sure that was true. Mentally? Allen wasn't really sure Kanda was handling himself very well…at least, not right now.

"You think it," Kanda grumbled and Allen sighed.

"BaKanda, can't you just shut up and enjoy the fact we weren't fighting?" Allen asked ignoring the fact he'd started the conversation.

Kanda grumbled something under his breath, turning his head to look at the opposite wall, letting out a heavy breath. So the Moyashi did think he was week….stupid sprout. Maybe it was a valid assumption, but it still hurt that the _moyashi _had developed such a low opinion of him.

He sighed, looking at the cross with Jesus again. The giant thing, it seemed to look down on him with such hard eyes…judging him. Kanda could only assume it was because God was judging him. He frowned again, finding his lips moving unconsciously, saying words he never really intended to say allowed, "God must find me disgusting."

Allen blinked in surprise. "Why do you say that?" He asked, staring up at where Kanda was looking.

"Don't you?" Kanda's voice was flat, "I've slept with another man. Don't you find it disgusting?" He asked. Disgusting, illegal, immoral, wrong – that's how people seemed to think of men who slept with men and women who slept with women. It would only make sense that Allen would think of him that way.

Allen was quiet for several minutes, thinking. Did he think Kanda was disgusting? It wasn't like Kanda had asked for it. He didn't think Kanda had enjoyed it either.

He'd heard Kanda screaming in pain from down the hall. He had tear tracks down Kanda's face…no, Kanda hadn't liked it.

But was it something that was looked down upon…it wasn't supposed to be something that happened. He wasn't really sure it was something that disturbed him though. Not the idea that Kanda wanted another man….

Yet, why did he feel his stomach churn every time he thought about seeing the Japanese man underneath Wisely? Just thinking about it made Allen want to do something stupid and rash. He wanted to do something somewhat violent – say, hunt down a Noah and leave them to be experimented on by Komui – after being extremely beaten up.

What was it that disturbed him about Kanda though….no, not even Kanda…what was it that made him feel so disgusted at the memory.

It wasn't the fact that Kanda had been on bottom like that screaming...it was….

…It was the fact that Kanda hadn't wanted it that was disgusting.

Allen stared up at the Statue of Jesus. That was disgusting. It was disgusting that Kanda – who had tried to kill him the first time he'd met and saved his ass on multiple missions – had to ask what Allen thought of him.

"No, I don't," Allen replied, after the minutes had ticked away and a very sour expression had developed on Kanda's face. He reached over and placed a hand on Kanda's shoulder wincing as he felt Kanda tense slightly. But he noticed that Kanda didn't try and rip off his arm.

"You should," Kanda muttered bluntly.

Allen exhaled slowly, "But I don't," He told Kanda, standing up. He looked at Kanda, before offering a hand – the one that wasn't shriveled and deformed. Though it had been months ago, he still remembered Kanda's reaction when he'd grabbed Kanda with his 'cursed,' hand. He still held it slightly off to the side, a little behind his back out of habit. Years of torture and name calling because of the hand stayed strong in his mind. "Come on. Before the Head Nurse finds out your gone. She'll try and tie you up again," Allen might have faced Akuma on a daily bases for years, but that woman was her own kind of demon.

Kanda snorted – that woman was fucking evil.

He stared at Allen's hand for a second, almost like it belonged to an alien. It…wasn't touching him. But it was there….did he need it?

Kanda scowled, pushing Allen's hand away.

"Don't fucking hide that hand from me like your embarrassed, Moyashi" he grunted. "You've seen worse," He said, grabbing Allen's cursed hand and pulling himself out of the seat and onto his feet. He took his hand back immediately.

If the little idiot had seen him getting raped, he could tolerate a little – a very little – touching.

And as long as the Moyashi behaved himself, Kanda would allow him to stay in his room…but only if he behaved himself.

And Kanda – he vowed – would not like it either.

Or at least, that's what he told himself; though it would be nice, not to have to get up, twelve times in the night, to make sure a certain bastard hadn't snuck into his room.

* * *

"You," Sheryl started to hack, covering his nose, "Smoke far too much!" He deemed. Tyki for his part ignored his brother, stubbing out his cigarette only to immediately light another. Sheryl groaned loudly as the smoke that already completely filled the compartment. He couldn't even see his brother's face with how many cigarettes Tyki had gone through in the past few minutes. "Dear God, put that thing out," Sheryl snapped at his brother. "I can't breathe!"

Tyki snorted and continued to smoke his cigarette. "No. I like them," he replied. He liked a lot of things; sex, cigarettes, cigars, gambling, drinking – whatever brought him pleasure for a moment was something that Tyki liked.

Why not? He was the Noah of Pleasure. "There is such a thing as too much of a good thing," Tyki exhaled slightly.

"I smoke when I'm nervous," He mumbled quietly.

Sheril sighed patiently, "You have no reason to be nervous," He told Tyki, using his calmest, most diplomatic and persuasive voice. Tyki did't particularly seem to care.

The Earl was going to murder him, if he found out about this.

It didn't matter that they were on the way to fix it – until it was fixed, Tyki was going to smoke. And if that meant his brother killed himself from coughing, so be it. He didn't care – the Earl did some pretty damn awful things, when he was upset.

Tyki knew first hand. He did not particularly want to be the cause of the fury of the Earl – bad enough he had to deal with him as often as he did. It wasn't like Tyki was some sort of masochist.

No way in hell, was he going to be on the receiving end of whatever 'punishment,' the Earl came up with, if the Earl found out how badly Tyki had screwed up. Hell screwed up didn't quite cover it.

Royally fucked up an Exorcist and himself was probably more like it. He groaned – still, it had been worth it, seeing the younger man writhe beneath him in both pain and pleasure. Hmm…maybe he wasn't a masochist, but a sadist?

Most definitely.

"Stop with the cigarette's brother darling," Sheril said, hacking loudly.

"Shut up, it's not like you haven't had a smoke before either," He reminded his brother. His brother had _given _him his first pack.

"I only smoke on occasion – as it should be," Sheril clicked his tongue, "It's unsightly for a noble to smoke more than necessary." He reminded his brother with a smirk – not that Tyki could see it. Everything was far too smoke for that.

Tyki sighed and reluctantly stubbed out the cigarette, "Happy?" He asked his brother. It was partially because he actually did care about his big brother and partly because he was starting to feel a bit light headed; never a good thing for somebody who had been smoking as long as he had.

"Very much, thank you," Sheril sighed in relief. He didn't smoke nearly as often as Tyki did – he didn't have quite the tolerance his little brother had when it came smoke. But he knew it was because his younger brother was nervous so he sighed reluctantly. "Don't be nervous," he said calmly, using the same tone he used whenever he was trying to 'prevent,' a war. "Nobody is going to find out." He reminded his little brother with a smile.

"Right…thank you by the way, Sheril," Tyki said. He really, really was happy that his brother had decided to come with him. He never felt like he got to see enough of his brother anymore. They were both busy men, between Sheril having his family and Tyki…well, doing what he did. Plus they had to go and fight Exorcists; it was all so draining.

"Of course, what are brother's for?" Sheril smiled at his brother again. He chuckled slightly, "Brother's help brother's get out of unfortunate messes they make." He laughed. "Besides, I've been helping you since you were little," Sheril almost giggled at the memory, of his awkward little brother, seven years old, stuck on top of a tree, too afraid to climb down.

He sighed – why did little brothers have to go and make such big messes?

Ah well…what were families for?

* * *

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	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I don't own man

Authors Note: Well...it's been an awful long time since I updated. I have my reasons, but my guess is you guys probably don't want to hear them, so here is the chapter. For anybody who still reads this story, many thanks for sticking with it. I do plan to finish this by the end of June. Please review.

* * *

"You can sleep on the damn floor, Moyashi," Kanda scowled. He still wasn't happy about the arrangement, even though he'd accepted it. Even after Allen and his conversation, he was still very unhappy about the fact he had to be babysat by the Moyashi. He'd taken it fairly well when Allen had told him. When it had been brought up again the following morning by Komui, he had taken it…less well.

Komui had taken the death of his coffee mug rather hard.

"Bakanda, I already told you; we're putting a cot in your room for a little while," Allen said, recalling the sad bunny mug slamming against the wall with fondness. He recalled the lamp that had hit him on the head for laughing a little less fondly.

"Tch, it'll take up the whole room," Kanda said grumpily as he moved to his bed for the first time in a week; a whole fucking week in the hospital. He'd wanted to slit his throat. However, it didn't take a genius to figure out that after the whole 'nearly drowning/attempted suicide,' thing, him slitting his own throat would probably be frowned upon. It would have probably also earned him another few weeks under both Komui and Allen's watchful eyes…

"The whole – Kanda, it'll be the only thing in your room," Allen said, irritation written all over his face. "The only other thing in your room is you."

"Tch. You take up too much space," Kanda said, rather intent on being a grouch at that moment. He wanted to be alone and Allen was taking up too much space.

Allen felt a vain in his forehead throb menacingly.

Kanda could still push his buttons like nobody else.

God, even after the semi-civil conversation the two of them had had the other day, Kanda was still an ass. Allen shook his head. Some things never changed. He guessed that this was one of the very few things that did not change.

A lot of things had changed, over the past…what was it; a month and a half now? But the fact that Kanda was still an ass had not changed. It was probably the only things about Kanda that Allen wouldn't have minded changing. Not that Allen approved of how the changes Kanda had suffered had come about. Not in the slightest. Nor did he exactly like many of the changes that had come about Kanda.

The Japanese man had always been thin, but he'd lost a large amount of weight in the past few weeks. Kanda had put a few pounds back on while in the hospital – the nurses had hooked him up to some strange bag of liquid that was supposed to help Kanda with his 'malnourishment,' as the Nurse had put it.

She'd also had Lavi – Allen crossed himself with a shudder at the memory – try and feed Kanda a strange semi-solid food. It probably wouldn't have turned out so badly had Lavi not made the comment that it looked like he was feeding baby-food to Kanda.

It was hard to believe how quickly Kanda could go from homicidal to suicidal to homicidal again…You had to feel bad for Lavi. It was hard enough, when you only had one good eye; it only got harder when your good eye was swollen shut and the size of a ripe plum, your life got considerably harder.

Allen sighed, dropping a small bag in the corner of the room. Considering how things had gone with Lavi, Kanda could have been giving Allen a much harder time.

Maybe their little talk had actually done something for the two of them.

Or maybe it was just the fact that Kanda was used to Allen being at his room at night. Allen had after all, had become Kanda's 'cleaning lady,' so to speak.

Kanda sighed himself; the hour was fairly late. He wanted to go take a bath however, he was fairly sure that Allen and the terrible duo were not allowed to let him have his own fucking bath. He tapped his fingers against his thigh, feeling extremely irritated. The past few days; well, the last few weeks had been extremely hard on him. It was getting harder to ignore exactly how hard the weeks had been on him as well. He hadn't been doing the best job of ignoring how he felt in any case; but he had been pushing them away, so he wouldn't have to feel them so intensely.

Apparently he hadn't even done that too well.

If he had done that a little bit better, maybe Komui wouldn't have sentenced him to life with the Moyashi. Kanda also had the feeling that Komui had developed some inkling of what had happened while he was in Russia; much to Kanda's shame. He really had become pathetic if he couldn't keep a secret from Komui of all people. It would have been one thing if it had been Bookman or somebody who didn't have to be reminded to do his duties on the hour. But no; he Komui had to figure out had probably told his sister and that redheaded usagi freak.

Kanda only take some solace in the fact that Komui might not know.

Kanda made himself comfortable on his bed, positioning himself comfortably against the headboard in the lotus position.

It had been a while since he last meditated…not since he'd been forced into the infirmary…. He closed his eyes firmly, taking a slow and even breath before holding it. One. Two. Three. Release; he exhaled, finding a comfortable place, deep, deep in his mind. Probably the only place that he felt comfortable in anymore; the only place in his own head were unwanted thoughts would not belittle him and insistently bring up unwanted memories. Time became to blend slightly, becoming both slow and fast. He ignored his unwanted guest; or was Allen his wanted guest?

To be honest, Kanda wasn't sure. There was no way in hell he enjoyed having to be babysat by a beansprout. But at the same time, he had actually slept through three of the four nights he'd been at the hospital.

Whatever, it was probably just some sort of fluke. There was no way in hell he liked having the beansprout around. He was too loud and distracting to be enjo-

"What are you doing Bakanda?" Kanda crossly opened one of his eyes to stare down at Allen, who had pulled out a small trinket from his bag.

"Shut up, Moyashi," He grunted, "You wouldn't understand," He added, irritated. Indeed, Kanda was fairly sure Allen wouldn't understand. Europeans didn't generally do well with meditation; he wasn't sure why that was though. But he had noticed that while he'd lived at the Asian Branch, most everybody meditated there daily.

The European headquarters, Kanda was pretty sure himself and Lenalee were the only people who meditated on a semi-regular schedule.

Allen however, did have a slight grasp of what was going on. It was true; Allen didn't meditate. He hadn't heard of the concept until after he'd met Kanda; and after, he'd never been interested. That and there hadn't been time. Plus, the hole idea of just sitting and being quite didn't make Allen incredibley comfortable. Allen – for all his politeness and calm – didn't like to sit still for extended periods of time. He needed to be doing something; he needed to be eating, taking care of Akuma, taking care of comrades, or paying his masters debts out. Lenalee had offered to teach him how to meditate once, but Allen had ended declining; mostly because he didn't have time, with all he had to do.

Just sitting around seemed lazy to him. But none the less, he was a little bit interest in Kanda. He looked definitively calmer than he usually did. Not as edgy at the very least; his jaw wasn't tight and his shoulders weren't stiff. It was interesting to see how just sitting still could have such a profound effect on somebody.

"You're doing that…meditation, chi thing Lenalee does," Allen said, not realizing exactly how distracting he was being to Kanda.

"Yes. Now shut up," Kanda said.

Allen fidgeted, wanting to ask more questions. However, this was Kanda's room, so he settled with just staring at Kanda.

This really only served to agitate Kanda further. "Moyashi," He said voice strained with forced calm as he spoke.

"It's Allen, Bakanda," Allen's vain only proceeded to grow. Yes, Kanda was definitely the only person who could push his buttons so easily. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself; it was just a stupid name.

"Stop fucking looking at me and go to sleep," Kanda growled, "Or get the fuck out of my room."

Allen exhaled noisily and continued to stare at Kanda. He then shook his head. "I'm getting dinner," he said, deciding the fight wasn't worth it. "Don't go swimming while I'm gone or I'll have the Nurse tie you up again," He slammed the door just in time to save his head from being smashed by Kanda's coatrack. There were also a few muffled 'fuck you, goddman Moyashi!'

Allen winced; maybe he should have picked a less sensitive idea to threaten Kanda with.

Kanda meanwhile scowled as he lay on his bed, concentration shot. Allen walker could be such a pain in the ass. He closed his eyes; fine, no bath. He'd wait for Allen to get back and kill the young British man before taking his bath.

Until then a little nap might be nice.

Unfortunately, his nap was not going to end very pleasantly.

Tyki took a few deep breaths of the cigarette, flicking it to the ground and grinding it out with the butt of his heel. His shoulders were tense and his hair kept falling into his line of sight as he walked, so he had to slick it back ever few moments. Anxiety flowed through his veins like water in a stream.

Sheryl had already gone ahead of him.

Tyki took a few moments to reflect that he really did have a good brother. He sighed softly and continued to walk quietly up the winding path, his feet making light, shuffling noises as he kicked loose pieces of rock and dirt around.

The night air was freezing; it felt nice upon his skin. If it had been any colder, steam would have come off his skin in droves. He exhaled noisily and slicked his hair back a moment later. He was almost done; so close to being done with this mess. He made a mental note to beat the shit out of the Exorcist for putting him through this little hell.

Perhaps it was harsh, after he'd just raped the man. But it would have been so much easier for the both of them, if Kanda had just stayed put were Tyki had left him. If he had, then everything would have ended much more…cleanly. Because Tyki had no intention of letting this drag on any longer. The past few weeks had driven him nearly insane, trying to tie up all these loose ends.

If it hadn't been for his brother, Tyki probably would have gone insane, trying to hide the mess he'd gotten himself into. As it was, Sheryl was currently covering for him. As far as the Earl was concerned, Tyki was visiting his sister-in-law while Sheryl attempted to set him up with a friend.

There were times when Tyki appreciated his brother's neurotic behavior.

He grunted quietly, shaking his head, looking up to the Order. It was such a big place, not as big as the Earl's main estate of course. But it was a big place; the Order had obviously put some money into it.

He smirked as he came even closer, sounds of chaos beginning to flow from out of the building, even though he was still a few-hundred yards away.

Yes, Sheryl had already gotten in. Now…where was that stupid Jap?


End file.
